Battle of the senses

Is this the end of it, the world that is? Is this the end of time?

It’s like the world’s gone crazy..

Usually I’m desperately trying to get my rationality to take over the emotional part of me, usually I have to convince my hormones of being wrong , usually my brain is the one that thinks.

But right now, that brain isn’t really functioning the way it should.

My heart, or my hormones are saying.. well I don’t see why it’s necessary to get caught up in a whirlwind, whereas my head is saying, o come on.. live a little…let go, take a chance, you might end up really happy.

And of course there’s nothing wrong with taking a chance, even though I’m not really the kind of person to take them very quickly, but, my heart has to be in it right?

So now my heart and my brain are at war…

It’s so confusing, and I honestly don’t get it.

And your time’s up…

Yup....that's one big old closed window

With like, big-ass iron bars and barbwire

And a security system that’s like, better then that of Ford Knox

With heat sensors and fire-arm

With an entire army keeping it closed

And with 20 kilometres of red and white tape surrounding it saying that, this isn’t an open window and it’s not going to be any time soon , so you better walk around it or past it in a really big circle, or else


Yup, so much for that window of opportunity .

You…

“Excuse me miss…may I ask you something?”
“but off course you can” I say turning around and looking into a woman’s eyes.

A woman of average height, and an average to a little bit pudgy posture. She’s dark skinned and has very young features. She looked like a 33 year old or something, but even for a thirty three year old she looked amazingly unwrinkled. The only thing giving away her being older then her facial features showed, or her just having a lot of stress, were the strays of grey hair in her otherwise thick, dark brown and frizzy hair.

She’s pretty in the way her eyes smile...she reminds me of you, straightaway she reminded me of you.

“Could you tell me where I can find diapers?”
“But off course I can miss, at the end of the isle on your left hand.”
“Thank you very much”, she said with a smile on her face.
“Well they’re not for me you know, ohh no, I don’t have grandchildren.”
“Well it was possible that you were looking for diapers for your own children, right?”
“Haha, ohh no, that time is long gone. I’m all done with diapers, I’ve got a 22 year old son and I don’t think he’d be happy if I tried to put him in diapers.”
I smiled and said: “Yeah I reckon he wouldn’t be all to happy about it, no. But miss, if you don’t mind my asking, how old are you?
“I’m forty-four.”
“Wow, you did a good job then.”
“Why thank you very much.”
“No seriously, you look much younger then forty-four. You really did a good job.”
“Well I guess considering the circumstances, I did do a good job taking care of myself.”
“Considering the circumstances?”
I knew that question was out of order, and a little bit invasive, but she looked fine with it.
“Yeah, I’ve got this monster…and it’s trying to eat away at me..”

I froze…Her monster was your monster.
I blinked my eyes a couple of times…
“Well I’m truly sorry to here that.”
“Oh well, that’s life right? You can’t have it all” she said with a smile. “But I have to go now, thanks again and have a nice Christmas!”
“Thank you very much. I wish you strength to win your battle, I really do. And a merry Christmas to you to!”

My eyes filled up, and I felt how close you were.
I looked to the end of the isle. She was talking to somebody, somebody she knew. She was smiling, and I couldn’t stop thinking of you.
And I couldn’t stop thinking about how I miss you. I couldn’t stop hoping she would make it. I couldn’t stop hoping, people who loved her showed it to her.

I miss you…

Oh boo hoo…the big bad world’s so scary…

right…

Tomorrow I’ll have a test…a fairly big test I might add…And Inevitably enough, the now inevitable will happen. Off course it wasn’t inevitable until I decided it would be.
It wasn’t inevitable until I decided I was afraid to fail, which is ironic seeing as tomorrow, I inevitably will.

Now the shallow and obvious reason for my failure would be the following: I didnt study, or at least I didn’t start studying soon enough. And the obvious reason for that would be, that I just didn’t feel like it.

Ha ha!
But that’s what I want you to think. Because you see, what really is the case is that I\m afraid to fail. So to make my failure, which I’m sure will occur, less bad, I put in an amount of effort that is obviously insufficient and that way I can blame, or reduce my failure to a lack of interest rather then to a lack of brains.

And really this is a micro example of a system that can be translated to my entire life. Because I’m scared of ‘the big bad world’. I’m so scared I won’t be able to take it on…that I don’t even bother trying.

So in consequence, I find my self just being here to be here…

And school wise it’s not the end of the world…because you see I can redo the three tests that I’ve blown this period…I have a second chance at them…

But some little birdy told me that life isn’t particularly full of second chances. So I really should get over myself...preferably sometime soon, before I miss out on some big stuff, something like life for example…

Because this way I’m going nowhere fast…

I guess in this case I’d love to have my female sense of direction and orientation work for me, so I can get lost on my way to nowhere and end up somewhere…

( I’ve written this just now…and already I’m thinking if I’m not just full of shit…If I’m not just a lazy ass f*ck…oh well…)

Get a grip!!

A pair of socks on the floor…a chocolate bar

A bra on the floor…a bowl of ice-cream

A belt on the floor…a whopper

A shirt on the floor… a bag of chips

A pair of pants on the floor…a bucket of bj’s

My bed unmade…to much chicken at dinner

A brush full of hair…a magnum on the go

A mess…

This room’s a mess…So am I

‘‘GET A GRIP WILL YOU!!!’’

Your closet…it’s still organized…

Keep it that way…hold on to it…
Hold on to your breakfast…

Get it back…get back your triumph over food…

Get a grip, and don’t let go…

Indeed…

you’re intriguing

It’s always the weird ones…

You’re weird. Quirky. Adorable. And cute even.

You’re adorable and I think I might be attracted to you.

So I guess you’re adorably attractive,
but you’re also a dork.
And that makes you adorkably attractive.

I don’t really know if I find you more attractive or more
adorable.

You’re strong…that’s for sure.
You’re nice and sweet…in your own “special” way.

Like I said the other day…you’re special…you’re one of
the “special” kids…:p

You are heart-warming in your funny ways
of expressing how you feel.
In your funny and weird ways…

I don’t know where the adorableness in you ends and the attractiveness
in you begins…Maybe the neither begin nor end.

But either way…
You intrigue me…

Ok..ok

‘I’m waiting for my bus…It’s cold
Hell, it’s storming’

I hate the cold, I wish it was summer
But it’s not
and it won’t be for a long time
Fall just started so I can look forward to at least
4-5 months of cold winds, rain and maybe even snow

‘…where’s that stupid bus…
I’d just about kill for some real sunlight and wormth
right now..’

I don’t like the cold, wet and stormy
weather the fall brings
And I don’t like the snowy, icy and slippery
weather the fall prepares me for

‘I’m cold and I want to go home..
where’s my bus!?!?’

I want to go home where I can take
a nice warm shower,
where I can pore myself a cup of
tea
where I can turn up the heat,
where I can wear my fabulous goofy
warm socks and sweater
And where I can enjoy fall scenery
from the inside…
…The warm inside that is

‘Finally, my bus’

Ok..so between the cold trips outside wearing
my adorable new jacket in which
I feel great, and sipping hot tea in
dorky yet fabulously oversized clothes
staring out of the window looking at
the world passing by,

The fall…isn’t that bad…

‘Now let me turn up the heat and
get this water running.’

Enough is enough !

Today was a bad day…
Today I felt fat.
No not fat, I felt morbidly obese, ugly and disgusting.

And now, at the and of this oh, so sucky day, I realise how much it hurt.

I haven’t felt like this for a long time. Sure I had my issues with my weight, but most of the time I ignored them. And every once in a while I sobbed over the bad shape I was in, but lately I always managed to turn it around by saying or thinking something positive, be it about my weight or something insignificant.

Today I couldn’t.

I walked up to the snack corner and thought to myself :”I could never finish an entire big size portion of french-fries.”
I walked in. “What ‘ll it be miss?”
I looked at the menu’s. “I’ll have the large fries and the chicken wings and ehm… a magnum please.”
“Coming right up miss.”

And I ate it, I ate it all, all but 3 pieces of chicken. And my god, I was so full. I couldn’t move. I just wanted to get into bed and go to sleep.

But I couldn’t.

Cause sooner rather then later, the full feeling had turned into an aching one.

I got up and looked into the mirror…
What the fuck did I do?!?!

And so I came to feeling morbidly obese today.
And so I came to the conclusion that this stops

HERE AND NOW!!!

I will NOT take any more of my own bullshit!
I will NOT ignore the fact that my weight is going up!
And I will not binge on fries, coke, chocolate orgasmic cakes, bj’s or any other bad food crap!

ENOUGH!!
I am a worthy person. Do I have bad qualities? Hell yeah! But I’ve also got to many good ones to let myself feel this shitty about me and this uncomfortable about myself.

Hell If I don’t stop this now I’ll go back to covering up my stomach with my handbag again.
I’ll go back to wearing a jacket when it’s a hundred and twelve degrees outside.
I’ll go back to not wanting to sit down when there’s no table to cover up my legs.
I’ll go back to not wanting to buy clothes.
I’ll go back into hiding.

And well

I WILL NOT DO THAT!

IT STOPS NOW!!! ’

Quick fix

never mind...

Butterfly …
one more chance…

If ever i got another chance to talk to you,
I’d probably waste that beautiful opportunity by saying

“I’m sorry”

I would probably knowingly throw away that precious moment in time,
by saying

”I’m sorry”

I could use that moment to tell you that I loved and love you..
I could use that moment to tell you I respected and respect you still

But I wouldn’t, I would tell you

”I’m sorry”

egotistically enough.

I would break down into tears and cry, however wasteful.

But I know that I SHOULD tell you that I love you,
that I respect you, look up to you,
and that now, more so then before, you influence me in a positive way.
However stupid that may seem…

I refuse to believe in "till death do us part"…the way it is in marriages.
Because if I believed in “till death do us part”, this monologue would be over. And then all that would be left of what we once considered a dialogue between us two, would be.. hot air…

Nothing…
You would be gone…

So I choose to believe in forever
Because that’s how long you’ll influence me, and the world
that’s how long I’ll love you…
That’s how long you’ll stay in my heart and my mind.

I loved you then and now…
My fear of the monster eating away at your bright spirit and soul was shamefully enough bigger then my love…

For that I apologize..
For not being there for you, I apologize
For not saying I love you when you were around to hear it, I apologize

I’m sorry

I love you…

Forever yours…

Absolute and total bliss…

Loving somebody with every fibre of your being,
with every ounce of your soul,
must be amazing…

A love in which light gets new meaning
A love in which nothing is the same
A love in which you have an outer body experience…

It must be bliss
Because people have killed for it
Ironically enough they’ve died for it
People have gone through hell and still kept looking for it

So it must be utter bliss…

I want that…Some day …

Chilly…

I’m cold, My fingers and toes are numb

I just got home from a night out clubbing

Everybody’s still a sleep…let them sleep…I’m not sleepy yet

I’m still cold even though I’ve been in the house for half an hour now

But that’s good
Cause when I’m cold. I’m numb, in every shape way or form.

I’m numb, nothing matters

I can sit here and listen to the clock ticking and the rest of the world being silent…

This here doesn’t feel shitty, it feels cold, but ok

Thanks for a lovely evening

And DO you for raining on my day!

Goof night…sleep tight….

Two Oranges

Imagine this…
There’s a fruit basket,
and there are 20 different kinds of fruit in the fruitbasket.
The two pieces of fruit on top are two oranges.
One of them is very bright orange, very juicy, very pretty, very sweet tasting, and very funny. Funny you say? Yes funny.
The other is quite the opposite.
It’s oddly shaped, almost like a pear, it’s not bright at all, it’s not so juicy, and it’s overall pretty ugly. And well this orange can only be funny in a cynical self-esteem-less way.

Guess witch orange I’d be in this metaphor…

Burn baby burn !

Burn baby Burn !
Disco inferno !
Burn baby Burn...

See, that’s what I wanted to say, but without the whole disco inferno part…

I used to be frank with you.
Or am I wrong?
Did I always lie to you?
Did I always lie to you and did I just not notice because I lied to me to?
Either way

I said: “Well ok, whatever.”

But what I felt was:

“Burn baby burn!
(disco inferno!)
Burn baby burn!”

I keep thinking that I need somebody to love me
But I don’t

I might want that, but I don’t need it.

What I DO need however is for me to love me.

Sure, I appreciate myself, but do I love me?

If I do then why do I lie so much to myself?
If I do love myself, why am I so unhappy with my life?
If I do love me, why don’t I show the world who I truly am?

If I loved someone, I wouldn’t want to lie to them, I would lover everything about them, and I would show him off to the world.

I want to do that to myself…

My room…

This room, it used to be so bright, it used to be full of life.

It used to have paintings on the walls, paintings of me as a young and happy child, playing outside. It used to be covered in drawings I made of my family.

There used to be music in this room, fun music. There used to be jokes in this room , non-sarcastic, or cynical jokes.

It used to be a warm room, one where cold feet weren’t an issue, one where oranges and mandarin’s would be eaten sitting against the radiator. A room where I’d look out the window, waiting for my mom, hoping she’d come zoon so I could give her a big hug and tell her how much I had missed her. And then we’d sit down together and I’d tell her about all the things that happened in her favourite soap opera.

That room, where I’d scream for my mom, where I’d watch TV with my brother at 6.30 in the morning without my parents knowing, where I’d play cards with my dad from dusk till dawn, trying to beat him at a game he damn near invented, I don’t have it anymore…

My room has changed…I could say all the pictures have turned dark and that I’m in a great depression…but I’m not. However my room has changed and I now realise that I want my old room back.

I want to feel like that 3 year old child again, that didn’t have a care in the world…
The reason I’m so stuck, is because I have several directions I could head into, but because I’m scared to choose one…I’d rather go back into my old comfort zone…my old room…

The room where I didn’t have to make choices, where nobody would expect a choice from me…

I’m scared of the world… I’m afraid it will be less fulfilling, and les nice then my old room…

The only way to find out whether it is though, is to step out into that world and see what it has in store for me…

I love you..

There’s not much I can do…

So we’ll just sit here, and I’ll hold you.
You’ll hold me, because I tell you to and because you know you want to hold somebody.

We’ll just sit here holding each other, my head on your chest, one arm around you, one arm stroking your face…

Breathe baby, breathe…

I can hear your heart beating. It sounds sad.
You're sad, and there’s not much I can do…

So we’ll just sit here,
we’ll sit here and wait, I’ll wait.

I’ll wait until you’re ready to let go..
until you’re ready to breathe
until your heart let’s go
until you let go your reservations about crying to me..
until you stop feeling held back by the fact that I can’t possibly know what you’re feeling right now.

I’ll wait…
Just take your time. We’ll breathe together.

“let it go baby…let it go…”

You hold me tighter, and you let it out..
You let it go…at least a little bit..

It’s ok baby, I’m right here, you’re not alone

I love you…

Not so different

I opened up a scar…I found myself on a rather scary road on my way to my life, or maybe just a scary side track. It had monsters, ghosts , dead people and all kinds off scary things. It also had new opportunities, new people to meat, and laughter. It confused the crap out of me and it scared me. I didn’t know what to do. So I turned around, grabbed a stick from the floor and stuck it in this big scar I have on my chest. There, now I have something else to focus on. And then I realised what I was doing…

Self mutilation, and then I say those people are crazy…

Drama struck?

Are we, Am I really drama struck?

Are we really having trouble finding love, or are we just refusing to except it when it comes our way easily?
Are we just not satisfied when love knocks on our door?

Are we really not sure about what to do with life, or are we just to bored to realise that we already know?
Are we just refusing to accept the fact that in our/my case, it’s easy?

Are we really soul-searching? Or are we just passing time creating drama where there is none.
Are we really in conflict with our thoughts and feelings? Or are we just trying to make our lives more “exciting”?

Aren’t we, am I not, just (a) sadomasochist(s) who know(s) how to push our/my , own buttons, to make us/me feel confusion, hurt, sadness.

Agent smith: “We created the perfect world in which everybody could be happy, but the human race rejected the program. Humans could simply not accept the world without misery and pain.”

It does make you wonder…doesn't it?

Breaking out..
or at least part of me is...

Beep! Beep!

My alarm clock..grmbl.. I hate that thing..

It's eight in the morning, that means it's time to get up.

I move my sheets and sit up straight. i stare at the wall for a couple of minutes as I try to wake up.
Useless..

I stand up and turn my body in a 90 degrees angle. I look into the mirror. I observe my body.
It still looks pretty much the same as it did yesterday.
I turn around and take a look at my but. "Yep, it's still there...still big and ehm.. beautiful?.."
I turn around again, as I lift my shirt. "Hmhm, the belly is also still present. Still flabby and prominent, but I guess that in a really weird way.. it looks kinda ok..

I put my shirt down and shake my head a little disappointed. Disappointed that nothing changed in my body in those 5 and a half solid hours of sleep.

Still kinda sleepy I walk to the bathroom and straight to the toilet. I stair at the wall, and as I wait for this part of the morning to be over I try to figure out what I dreamt last night. Something about me in somebody else’s close...oh well never mind.

I get up and flush as i walk over to the sink. Well, it's not really walking to the sink, because it's right next to the toilet. But anyways.. I walk over to the sink. The water starts running and i put a little bit of water in my hands. And as I'm about to splash a little of it into my face, I stop.

I'm looking into the mirror that hangs above the sink. I see my face transforming from natural and sleepy, to rather awake and grumpy.

What the fuck happened to my face!! A few minutes ago I couldn't see this, being very sleepy and standing to far away from the mirror, but now, I'm standing right in front of the mirror. Keeping my face just a couple of inches removed from the mirror.

I start counting the zits.. One, two three...oh and that one's disgusting.
What looked like not to optimal skin a few minutes ago now looks like a moon landscape..

What the fuck happened!
this wasn't the kind of change I had in mind...this is.. I mean..
I'm breaking out!

With that thought I seem to be calming down...

I look down and the water still seems to be filling the sink.

I look up again...Maybe I'm just breaking out, but maybe it's my body telling me something. Maybe it's my body telling me it wants to break out, and that it wants me to break out. Out of my bad habits.
The bad foods I eat, the hours i don't sleep, the alcohol I do drink, the exercise I don't do...all of it...

I guess I'm ready for a change...I guess I need a change, but I'm afraid of change...

I shake my head and reach for something on the shelf. It's my solution to the zit problem. If the zits go away I won't have to think about it...

So...never mind.

Locked up
stuck…

I’m stuck.

I want to talk to somebody, but I can’t seem to get myself to do so.

Yesterday a good friend of mine asked about one of my entries, and I just changed the subject, very obviously. She pried a little, and still I wouldn’t talk about it.
It’s not that I really don\t want to…it’s just I don’t know.

I can’t get myself to talk about the things in my head. I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to sound silly, over emotional, not funny and way to touchy feely.

I’m afraid I’ll find out things I don’t want to find out.

I’m afraid people will tell me the truth.

So I shut down, lock up, I close my mind, I talk about other shit…

I’m stuck.

Thanks for asking though

The sucky truth
The bitch I am…

The truth?

I’ve got serious issues with people and the fear of loosing them…oh yeah…some people like to call it jealousy. I’m a very jealous person. I’ve got territorial issues. I put my claim on people. And when I do, well I don’t exactly like sharing them, I don’t tell off course, but I don’t like it…

I’m not as not fat as I may seem sometimes. Though some of you may know why I look less fat then I am, some of you don’t. And while I’m not going to give away my secret, you can all rest assured that I front being less fat then I am. Simply because I take measures.

I look into a mirror at least 25 times a day, even though I always pretend other people who do the same are insecure people who need to get help. I’m no better then them. I look into the mirror being put off by my stomach and trying to convince myself that I don’t look that fat if I stand like this…or like this. Or maybe if I hold my stomach in this way…Yeah I can go to the beach If I just don’t breath the entire time…

I hate it when people say that they know me, because the truth is, THEY DON’T.
And that fact pisses me off, but it’s not their fault. It’s my fault…I refuse to let them see all I know about me because I don’t like her. That is, the person I am… And the thing is, those people who claim to know me, probably know me as well as they ever will , because the rest of me is a secret. To them…as well as to me. Because I don’t want to know her, because I don’t like her. So I don’t want to get to know her.

So there. That’s the truth.. at least part of it. I’m a jealous, fronting, lying Bitch. That’s who I am. I’m not just those things, because I’m also adorable, but that’s who I am.

It’s a game of hide and seek, but I can only seem to find the people I want to find

If I were frank..
I’d be frank…

I’f I were frank

I’d be screaming that I hate my body instead of claiming that I’ve come to terms with it

If I were frank

I wouldn’t be so goddamn cheery all the time

If I were frank

I’d be irrational at every chance I got…

If I were frank

I’d smoke

If I were frank

I’d be mean when I felt like it

If I were frank

I’d see that I’m not superhuman

If I were frank

I’d find out who I am and accept that person

If I were frank

I wouldn’t lie about little things…

But to be frank…I wouldn’t know where to begin…

Trouble sleeping…

I’m lying on my bed. I can’t sleep. I’m staring at the wall…

I can hear my heart beating…

It’s starting to go faster…It’s starting to beat harder.
It’s making my head ache.
I grab my head between my hands…it hurts …

And the noise, the sound of my hart pounding so hard and so fast, the noise of all my thoughts. I can’t get them straight.

I can’t get my thoughts straight because there are to many of them.

I start breathing faster…still holding my head, still hearing everything I think…and then my heart starts aching as well…it’s pounding to hard en to fast for my own good…it hurts…

My head and chest feel like they’re going to explode…
My ears are burning…so many thoughts, so many screams inside my head…

My heart keeps pounding…I twist and I turn….I try to make the pain, the noise the heat, the pain…go away… but it won’t…it just hurts..

And then he walks in and looks at me…he being nobody I know…He looks at me and he comes closer…he sit’s on the side of my bed and wipes the sweat off of my forehead.

“poor little thing…you’re shaking…”
He keeps looking at me , all curled up, shivering and shaking, trying to keep my head from exploding…
He takes a syringe out of the white long coat he’s wearing…and he tries to prep it…
“Don’t worry baby…it’ll be over soon…you’re gonna be fine”.
I’m hurting so much…

I stop shaking… the sweating stops.
One single tear roles over my cheek…
I take a deep deep breath…
It’s calm in my head now…
All there’s left is the sound of my heart pounding calmly…

One tear lying on my cheeck...

I close my eyes…I fall a sleep…calmly…relaxed…

I’m sleeping…

Detachment issues

Ok this is all very new for me..

This is my first of hopefully many blogs...
And seeing as I've got some detachement problems I'm going to post some old entries from an other type of weblog thing I used to have...

Just to get used to this hole new blog thing...

To many more!