I love you..

There’s not much I can do…

So we’ll just sit here, and I’ll hold you.
You’ll hold me, because I tell you to and because you know you want to hold somebody.

We’ll just sit here holding each other, my head on your chest, one arm around you, one arm stroking your face…

Breathe baby, breathe…

I can hear your heart beating. It sounds sad.
You're sad, and there’s not much I can do…

So we’ll just sit here,
we’ll sit here and wait, I’ll wait.

I’ll wait until you’re ready to let go..
until you’re ready to breathe
until your heart let’s go
until you let go your reservations about crying to me..
until you stop feeling held back by the fact that I can’t possibly know what you’re feeling right now.

I’ll wait…
Just take your time. We’ll breathe together.

“let it go baby…let it go…”

You hold me tighter, and you let it out..
You let it go…at least a little bit..

It’s ok baby, I’m right here, you’re not alone

I love you…

Not so different

I opened up a scar…I found myself on a rather scary road on my way to my life, or maybe just a scary side track. It had monsters, ghosts , dead people and all kinds off scary things. It also had new opportunities, new people to meat, and laughter. It confused the crap out of me and it scared me. I didn’t know what to do. So I turned around, grabbed a stick from the floor and stuck it in this big scar I have on my chest. There, now I have something else to focus on. And then I realised what I was doing…

Self mutilation, and then I say those people are crazy…

Drama struck?

Are we, Am I really drama struck?

Are we really having trouble finding love, or are we just refusing to except it when it comes our way easily?
Are we just not satisfied when love knocks on our door?

Are we really not sure about what to do with life, or are we just to bored to realise that we already know?
Are we just refusing to accept the fact that in our/my case, it’s easy?

Are we really soul-searching? Or are we just passing time creating drama where there is none.
Are we really in conflict with our thoughts and feelings? Or are we just trying to make our lives more “exciting”?

Aren’t we, am I not, just (a) sadomasochist(s) who know(s) how to push our/my , own buttons, to make us/me feel confusion, hurt, sadness.

Agent smith: “We created the perfect world in which everybody could be happy, but the human race rejected the program. Humans could simply not accept the world without misery and pain.”

It does make you wonder…doesn't it?

Breaking out..
or at least part of me is...

Beep! Beep!

My alarm clock..grmbl.. I hate that thing..

It's eight in the morning, that means it's time to get up.

I move my sheets and sit up straight. i stare at the wall for a couple of minutes as I try to wake up.
Useless..

I stand up and turn my body in a 90 degrees angle. I look into the mirror. I observe my body.
It still looks pretty much the same as it did yesterday.
I turn around and take a look at my but. "Yep, it's still there...still big and ehm.. beautiful?.."
I turn around again, as I lift my shirt. "Hmhm, the belly is also still present. Still flabby and prominent, but I guess that in a really weird way.. it looks kinda ok..

I put my shirt down and shake my head a little disappointed. Disappointed that nothing changed in my body in those 5 and a half solid hours of sleep.

Still kinda sleepy I walk to the bathroom and straight to the toilet. I stair at the wall, and as I wait for this part of the morning to be over I try to figure out what I dreamt last night. Something about me in somebody else’s close...oh well never mind.

I get up and flush as i walk over to the sink. Well, it's not really walking to the sink, because it's right next to the toilet. But anyways.. I walk over to the sink. The water starts running and i put a little bit of water in my hands. And as I'm about to splash a little of it into my face, I stop.

I'm looking into the mirror that hangs above the sink. I see my face transforming from natural and sleepy, to rather awake and grumpy.

What the fuck happened to my face!! A few minutes ago I couldn't see this, being very sleepy and standing to far away from the mirror, but now, I'm standing right in front of the mirror. Keeping my face just a couple of inches removed from the mirror.

I start counting the zits.. One, two three...oh and that one's disgusting.
What looked like not to optimal skin a few minutes ago now looks like a moon landscape..

What the fuck happened!
this wasn't the kind of change I had in mind...this is.. I mean..
I'm breaking out!

With that thought I seem to be calming down...

I look down and the water still seems to be filling the sink.

I look up again...Maybe I'm just breaking out, but maybe it's my body telling me something. Maybe it's my body telling me it wants to break out, and that it wants me to break out. Out of my bad habits.
The bad foods I eat, the hours i don't sleep, the alcohol I do drink, the exercise I don't do...all of it...

I guess I'm ready for a change...I guess I need a change, but I'm afraid of change...

I shake my head and reach for something on the shelf. It's my solution to the zit problem. If the zits go away I won't have to think about it...

So...never mind.

Locked up
stuck…

I’m stuck.

I want to talk to somebody, but I can’t seem to get myself to do so.

Yesterday a good friend of mine asked about one of my entries, and I just changed the subject, very obviously. She pried a little, and still I wouldn’t talk about it.
It’s not that I really don\t want to…it’s just I don’t know.

I can’t get myself to talk about the things in my head. I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to sound silly, over emotional, not funny and way to touchy feely.

I’m afraid I’ll find out things I don’t want to find out.

I’m afraid people will tell me the truth.

So I shut down, lock up, I close my mind, I talk about other shit…

I’m stuck.

Thanks for asking though

The sucky truth
The bitch I am…

The truth?

I’ve got serious issues with people and the fear of loosing them…oh yeah…some people like to call it jealousy. I’m a very jealous person. I’ve got territorial issues. I put my claim on people. And when I do, well I don’t exactly like sharing them, I don’t tell off course, but I don’t like it…

I’m not as not fat as I may seem sometimes. Though some of you may know why I look less fat then I am, some of you don’t. And while I’m not going to give away my secret, you can all rest assured that I front being less fat then I am. Simply because I take measures.

I look into a mirror at least 25 times a day, even though I always pretend other people who do the same are insecure people who need to get help. I’m no better then them. I look into the mirror being put off by my stomach and trying to convince myself that I don’t look that fat if I stand like this…or like this. Or maybe if I hold my stomach in this way…Yeah I can go to the beach If I just don’t breath the entire time…

I hate it when people say that they know me, because the truth is, THEY DON’T.
And that fact pisses me off, but it’s not their fault. It’s my fault…I refuse to let them see all I know about me because I don’t like her. That is, the person I am… And the thing is, those people who claim to know me, probably know me as well as they ever will , because the rest of me is a secret. To them…as well as to me. Because I don’t want to know her, because I don’t like her. So I don’t want to get to know her.

So there. That’s the truth.. at least part of it. I’m a jealous, fronting, lying Bitch. That’s who I am. I’m not just those things, because I’m also adorable, but that’s who I am.

It’s a game of hide and seek, but I can only seem to find the people I want to find

If I were frank..
I’d be frank…

I’f I were frank

I’d be screaming that I hate my body instead of claiming that I’ve come to terms with it

If I were frank

I wouldn’t be so goddamn cheery all the time

If I were frank

I’d be irrational at every chance I got…

If I were frank

I’d smoke

If I were frank

I’d be mean when I felt like it

If I were frank

I’d see that I’m not superhuman

If I were frank

I’d find out who I am and accept that person

If I were frank

I wouldn’t lie about little things…

But to be frank…I wouldn’t know where to begin…

Trouble sleeping…

I’m lying on my bed. I can’t sleep. I’m staring at the wall…

I can hear my heart beating…

It’s starting to go faster…It’s starting to beat harder.
It’s making my head ache.
I grab my head between my hands…it hurts …

And the noise, the sound of my hart pounding so hard and so fast, the noise of all my thoughts. I can’t get them straight.

I can’t get my thoughts straight because there are to many of them.

I start breathing faster…still holding my head, still hearing everything I think…and then my heart starts aching as well…it’s pounding to hard en to fast for my own good…it hurts…

My head and chest feel like they’re going to explode…
My ears are burning…so many thoughts, so many screams inside my head…

My heart keeps pounding…I twist and I turn….I try to make the pain, the noise the heat, the pain…go away… but it won’t…it just hurts..

And then he walks in and looks at me…he being nobody I know…He looks at me and he comes closer…he sit’s on the side of my bed and wipes the sweat off of my forehead.

“poor little thing…you’re shaking…”
He keeps looking at me , all curled up, shivering and shaking, trying to keep my head from exploding…
He takes a syringe out of the white long coat he’s wearing…and he tries to prep it…
“Don’t worry baby…it’ll be over soon…you’re gonna be fine”.
I’m hurting so much…

I stop shaking… the sweating stops.
One single tear roles over my cheek…
I take a deep deep breath…
It’s calm in my head now…
All there’s left is the sound of my heart pounding calmly…

One tear lying on my cheeck...

I close my eyes…I fall a sleep…calmly…relaxed…

I’m sleeping…

Detachment issues

Ok this is all very new for me..

This is my first of hopefully many blogs...
And seeing as I've got some detachement problems I'm going to post some old entries from an other type of weblog thing I used to have...

Just to get used to this hole new blog thing...

To many more!