Enough is enough !

Today was a bad day…
Today I felt fat.
No not fat, I felt morbidly obese, ugly and disgusting.

And now, at the and of this oh, so sucky day, I realise how much it hurt.

I haven’t felt like this for a long time. Sure I had my issues with my weight, but most of the time I ignored them. And every once in a while I sobbed over the bad shape I was in, but lately I always managed to turn it around by saying or thinking something positive, be it about my weight or something insignificant.

Today I couldn’t.

I walked up to the snack corner and thought to myself :”I could never finish an entire big size portion of french-fries.”
I walked in. “What ‘ll it be miss?”
I looked at the menu’s. “I’ll have the large fries and the chicken wings and ehm… a magnum please.”
“Coming right up miss.”

And I ate it, I ate it all, all but 3 pieces of chicken. And my god, I was so full. I couldn’t move. I just wanted to get into bed and go to sleep.

But I couldn’t.

Cause sooner rather then later, the full feeling had turned into an aching one.

I got up and looked into the mirror…
What the fuck did I do?!?!

And so I came to feeling morbidly obese today.
And so I came to the conclusion that this stops

HERE AND NOW!!!

I will NOT take any more of my own bullshit!
I will NOT ignore the fact that my weight is going up!
And I will not binge on fries, coke, chocolate orgasmic cakes, bj’s or any other bad food crap!

ENOUGH!!
I am a worthy person. Do I have bad qualities? Hell yeah! But I’ve also got to many good ones to let myself feel this shitty about me and this uncomfortable about myself.

Hell If I don’t stop this now I’ll go back to covering up my stomach with my handbag again.
I’ll go back to wearing a jacket when it’s a hundred and twelve degrees outside.
I’ll go back to not wanting to sit down when there’s no table to cover up my legs.
I’ll go back to not wanting to buy clothes.
I’ll go back into hiding.

And well

I WILL NOT DO THAT!

IT STOPS NOW!!! ’

Quick fix

never mind...

Butterfly …
one more chance…

If ever i got another chance to talk to you,
I’d probably waste that beautiful opportunity by saying

“I’m sorry”

I would probably knowingly throw away that precious moment in time,
by saying

”I’m sorry”

I could use that moment to tell you that I loved and love you..
I could use that moment to tell you I respected and respect you still

But I wouldn’t, I would tell you

”I’m sorry”

egotistically enough.

I would break down into tears and cry, however wasteful.

But I know that I SHOULD tell you that I love you,
that I respect you, look up to you,
and that now, more so then before, you influence me in a positive way.
However stupid that may seem…

I refuse to believe in "till death do us part"…the way it is in marriages.
Because if I believed in “till death do us part”, this monologue would be over. And then all that would be left of what we once considered a dialogue between us two, would be.. hot air…

Nothing…
You would be gone…

So I choose to believe in forever
Because that’s how long you’ll influence me, and the world
that’s how long I’ll love you…
That’s how long you’ll stay in my heart and my mind.

I loved you then and now…
My fear of the monster eating away at your bright spirit and soul was shamefully enough bigger then my love…

For that I apologize..
For not being there for you, I apologize
For not saying I love you when you were around to hear it, I apologize

I’m sorry

I love you…

Forever yours…

Absolute and total bliss…

Loving somebody with every fibre of your being,
with every ounce of your soul,
must be amazing…

A love in which light gets new meaning
A love in which nothing is the same
A love in which you have an outer body experience…

It must be bliss
Because people have killed for it
Ironically enough they’ve died for it
People have gone through hell and still kept looking for it

So it must be utter bliss…

I want that…Some day …

Chilly…

I’m cold, My fingers and toes are numb

I just got home from a night out clubbing

Everybody’s still a sleep…let them sleep…I’m not sleepy yet

I’m still cold even though I’ve been in the house for half an hour now

But that’s good
Cause when I’m cold. I’m numb, in every shape way or form.

I’m numb, nothing matters

I can sit here and listen to the clock ticking and the rest of the world being silent…

This here doesn’t feel shitty, it feels cold, but ok

Thanks for a lovely evening

And DO you for raining on my day!

Goof night…sleep tight….

Two Oranges

Imagine this…
There’s a fruit basket,
and there are 20 different kinds of fruit in the fruitbasket.
The two pieces of fruit on top are two oranges.
One of them is very bright orange, very juicy, very pretty, very sweet tasting, and very funny. Funny you say? Yes funny.
The other is quite the opposite.
It’s oddly shaped, almost like a pear, it’s not bright at all, it’s not so juicy, and it’s overall pretty ugly. And well this orange can only be funny in a cynical self-esteem-less way.

Guess witch orange I’d be in this metaphor…

Burn baby burn !

Burn baby Burn !
Disco inferno !
Burn baby Burn...

See, that’s what I wanted to say, but without the whole disco inferno part…

I used to be frank with you.
Or am I wrong?
Did I always lie to you?
Did I always lie to you and did I just not notice because I lied to me to?
Either way

I said: “Well ok, whatever.”

But what I felt was:

“Burn baby burn!
(disco inferno!)
Burn baby burn!”

I keep thinking that I need somebody to love me
But I don’t

I might want that, but I don’t need it.

What I DO need however is for me to love me.

Sure, I appreciate myself, but do I love me?

If I do then why do I lie so much to myself?
If I do love myself, why am I so unhappy with my life?
If I do love me, why don’t I show the world who I truly am?

If I loved someone, I wouldn’t want to lie to them, I would lover everything about them, and I would show him off to the world.

I want to do that to myself…

My room…

This room, it used to be so bright, it used to be full of life.

It used to have paintings on the walls, paintings of me as a young and happy child, playing outside. It used to be covered in drawings I made of my family.

There used to be music in this room, fun music. There used to be jokes in this room , non-sarcastic, or cynical jokes.

It used to be a warm room, one where cold feet weren’t an issue, one where oranges and mandarin’s would be eaten sitting against the radiator. A room where I’d look out the window, waiting for my mom, hoping she’d come zoon so I could give her a big hug and tell her how much I had missed her. And then we’d sit down together and I’d tell her about all the things that happened in her favourite soap opera.

That room, where I’d scream for my mom, where I’d watch TV with my brother at 6.30 in the morning without my parents knowing, where I’d play cards with my dad from dusk till dawn, trying to beat him at a game he damn near invented, I don’t have it anymore…

My room has changed…I could say all the pictures have turned dark and that I’m in a great depression…but I’m not. However my room has changed and I now realise that I want my old room back.

I want to feel like that 3 year old child again, that didn’t have a care in the world…
The reason I’m so stuck, is because I have several directions I could head into, but because I’m scared to choose one…I’d rather go back into my old comfort zone…my old room…

The room where I didn’t have to make choices, where nobody would expect a choice from me…

I’m scared of the world… I’m afraid it will be less fulfilling, and les nice then my old room…

The only way to find out whether it is though, is to step out into that world and see what it has in store for me…