Battle of the senses

Is this the end of it, the world that is? Is this the end of time?

It’s like the world’s gone crazy..

Usually I’m desperately trying to get my rationality to take over the emotional part of me, usually I have to convince my hormones of being wrong , usually my brain is the one that thinks.

But right now, that brain isn’t really functioning the way it should.

My heart, or my hormones are saying.. well I don’t see why it’s necessary to get caught up in a whirlwind, whereas my head is saying, o come on.. live a little…let go, take a chance, you might end up really happy.

And of course there’s nothing wrong with taking a chance, even though I’m not really the kind of person to take them very quickly, but, my heart has to be in it right?

So now my heart and my brain are at war…

It’s so confusing, and I honestly don’t get it.

And your time’s up…

Yup....that's one big old closed window

With like, big-ass iron bars and barbwire

And a security system that’s like, better then that of Ford Knox

With heat sensors and fire-arm

With an entire army keeping it closed

And with 20 kilometres of red and white tape surrounding it saying that, this isn’t an open window and it’s not going to be any time soon , so you better walk around it or past it in a really big circle, or else


Yup, so much for that window of opportunity .

You…

“Excuse me miss…may I ask you something?”
“but off course you can” I say turning around and looking into a woman’s eyes.

A woman of average height, and an average to a little bit pudgy posture. She’s dark skinned and has very young features. She looked like a 33 year old or something, but even for a thirty three year old she looked amazingly unwrinkled. The only thing giving away her being older then her facial features showed, or her just having a lot of stress, were the strays of grey hair in her otherwise thick, dark brown and frizzy hair.

She’s pretty in the way her eyes smile...she reminds me of you, straightaway she reminded me of you.

“Could you tell me where I can find diapers?”
“But off course I can miss, at the end of the isle on your left hand.”
“Thank you very much”, she said with a smile on her face.
“Well they’re not for me you know, ohh no, I don’t have grandchildren.”
“Well it was possible that you were looking for diapers for your own children, right?”
“Haha, ohh no, that time is long gone. I’m all done with diapers, I’ve got a 22 year old son and I don’t think he’d be happy if I tried to put him in diapers.”
I smiled and said: “Yeah I reckon he wouldn’t be all to happy about it, no. But miss, if you don’t mind my asking, how old are you?
“I’m forty-four.”
“Wow, you did a good job then.”
“Why thank you very much.”
“No seriously, you look much younger then forty-four. You really did a good job.”
“Well I guess considering the circumstances, I did do a good job taking care of myself.”
“Considering the circumstances?”
I knew that question was out of order, and a little bit invasive, but she looked fine with it.
“Yeah, I’ve got this monster…and it’s trying to eat away at me..”

I froze…Her monster was your monster.
I blinked my eyes a couple of times…
“Well I’m truly sorry to here that.”
“Oh well, that’s life right? You can’t have it all” she said with a smile. “But I have to go now, thanks again and have a nice Christmas!”
“Thank you very much. I wish you strength to win your battle, I really do. And a merry Christmas to you to!”

My eyes filled up, and I felt how close you were.
I looked to the end of the isle. She was talking to somebody, somebody she knew. She was smiling, and I couldn’t stop thinking of you.
And I couldn’t stop thinking about how I miss you. I couldn’t stop hoping she would make it. I couldn’t stop hoping, people who loved her showed it to her.

I miss you…

Oh boo hoo…the big bad world’s so scary…

right…

Tomorrow I’ll have a test…a fairly big test I might add…And Inevitably enough, the now inevitable will happen. Off course it wasn’t inevitable until I decided it would be.
It wasn’t inevitable until I decided I was afraid to fail, which is ironic seeing as tomorrow, I inevitably will.

Now the shallow and obvious reason for my failure would be the following: I didnt study, or at least I didn’t start studying soon enough. And the obvious reason for that would be, that I just didn’t feel like it.

Ha ha!
But that’s what I want you to think. Because you see, what really is the case is that I\m afraid to fail. So to make my failure, which I’m sure will occur, less bad, I put in an amount of effort that is obviously insufficient and that way I can blame, or reduce my failure to a lack of interest rather then to a lack of brains.

And really this is a micro example of a system that can be translated to my entire life. Because I’m scared of ‘the big bad world’. I’m so scared I won’t be able to take it on…that I don’t even bother trying.

So in consequence, I find my self just being here to be here…

And school wise it’s not the end of the world…because you see I can redo the three tests that I’ve blown this period…I have a second chance at them…

But some little birdy told me that life isn’t particularly full of second chances. So I really should get over myself...preferably sometime soon, before I miss out on some big stuff, something like life for example…

Because this way I’m going nowhere fast…

I guess in this case I’d love to have my female sense of direction and orientation work for me, so I can get lost on my way to nowhere and end up somewhere…

( I’ve written this just now…and already I’m thinking if I’m not just full of shit…If I’m not just a lazy ass f*ck…oh well…)

Get a grip!!

A pair of socks on the floor…a chocolate bar

A bra on the floor…a bowl of ice-cream

A belt on the floor…a whopper

A shirt on the floor… a bag of chips

A pair of pants on the floor…a bucket of bj’s

My bed unmade…to much chicken at dinner

A brush full of hair…a magnum on the go

A mess…

This room’s a mess…So am I

‘‘GET A GRIP WILL YOU!!!’’

Your closet…it’s still organized…

Keep it that way…hold on to it…
Hold on to your breakfast…

Get it back…get back your triumph over food…

Get a grip, and don’t let go…

Indeed…

you’re intriguing

It’s always the weird ones…

You’re weird. Quirky. Adorable. And cute even.

You’re adorable and I think I might be attracted to you.

So I guess you’re adorably attractive,
but you’re also a dork.
And that makes you adorkably attractive.

I don’t really know if I find you more attractive or more
adorable.

You’re strong…that’s for sure.
You’re nice and sweet…in your own “special” way.

Like I said the other day…you’re special…you’re one of
the “special” kids…:p

You are heart-warming in your funny ways
of expressing how you feel.
In your funny and weird ways…

I don’t know where the adorableness in you ends and the attractiveness
in you begins…Maybe the neither begin nor end.

But either way…
You intrigue me…

Ok..ok

‘I’m waiting for my bus…It’s cold
Hell, it’s storming’

I hate the cold, I wish it was summer
But it’s not
and it won’t be for a long time
Fall just started so I can look forward to at least
4-5 months of cold winds, rain and maybe even snow

‘…where’s that stupid bus…
I’d just about kill for some real sunlight and wormth
right now..’

I don’t like the cold, wet and stormy
weather the fall brings
And I don’t like the snowy, icy and slippery
weather the fall prepares me for

‘I’m cold and I want to go home..
where’s my bus!?!?’

I want to go home where I can take
a nice warm shower,
where I can pore myself a cup of
tea
where I can turn up the heat,
where I can wear my fabulous goofy
warm socks and sweater
And where I can enjoy fall scenery
from the inside…
…The warm inside that is

‘Finally, my bus’

Ok..so between the cold trips outside wearing
my adorable new jacket in which
I feel great, and sipping hot tea in
dorky yet fabulously oversized clothes
staring out of the window looking at
the world passing by,

The fall…isn’t that bad…

‘Now let me turn up the heat and
get this water running.’