And all of a sudden …

I had just had a midterm so I decided that I was allowed to cheer myself up with a shopping spree. So I hopped on a train to Rotterdam central, then hopped on a tram, and got to where I thought I’d find relief and satisfaction in material things…Who knew, I’m shallow.

But my frustration grew because all the material things weren’t giving me the satisfaction I needed. Not because I had seen the light and had left my superficial state of mind behind, but because I wasn’t buying stuff. I mean I’d been walking around for at least forty five minutes and all I bought was, a sweater, new earrings, new underwear, new lotion, new facial crème, new socks… Ok, so maybe I did buy a few things…When, 4 totally meaningless and unneeded purchases later, I realised that it hadn’t been an unsuccessful afternoon, I decided to go home.

Completely unaware of any danger I started walking towards the subway. As I walked over to the subway I looked around, and observed people: “to the left some teenagers getting into trouble, on the benches on my right some old people discussing them, in front of me woman so beautiful and perfectly dressed that they made me want to hurl and take a picture at the same time, and ahead two young men standing across from the homeless newspaper vendor near the subway. And as I came closer to the subway I realized that the homeless newspaper vendor must have a pretty depressive life, and that I wasn’t even going to help him by buying one of his newspapers. I’m a bad person, evil even… But I did great him when passing him, so I’m not completely drenched with evilness.

As I walked passed the vendor I thought I was safe, I thought I had passed the danger zone of : “Miss, do you want to buy a newspaper so I’ll have a place to sleep??” Which makes me very uncomfortable and completely not at ease. Stupid thing to be bothered by though. I mean if you consider the fact that he doesn’t have a place to sleep, my ease isn’t really that important. But oh well, I passed the vendor and felt at ease again…

And all of a sudden…This (really cute looking) guy jumps in front of me: “Excuse me miss , could I have a word with you?” It was one of the two guys who were standing across the vendor. “Ehm…I guess you could.”
“ Well, we’re promoting this thing…wait, you are 18 right?”
“Well, not exactly no.”
“Seriously? How old are you then?”
“I’m 17 years old.” And I said it with out flinching or laughing at my on lie. But the other guy suspected something. “Off course you’re 18 years old.” The other one looked at him and back to me…”When were you born then?”
“I was born in 1989” I said kinda slow but not weirdly slow. I was kinda impressed seeing as I didn’t even practice that and I did it right, right away.
“But then you’re 18 right?”
“No..no” He’s not going to confuse me…I’m 18 and I was born in 1988 so if I was born in 1989 I’d be 17 now.. I’m right. “I’m going to be 18.”
“Well when are you turning 18?”
“Not until the 16th of august.”
“Well maybe I’ll approach you again during the summer then…”
“Maybe you should.”

I stepped aside and walked over to the stairs. I turned around, waved and said: “Good luck with your promo thing.” But As I pulled my hand out of my pocket, my student transport pass fell out of my jacket.
“Aha! If you’re not 18 why do you have a student transport pass?!?!?”
I looked at them in total fear as they pulled out their AK-47’s.
“I guess this is my cue to get going now…Buh bye!!” And I ran as fast as I could leaving a trail of bullets and shocked and shot people behind me. I ran down the stairs and saw the train coming the doors opened and I jumped in… As the train left I saw the two guys coming down the stairs and shooting their last bullets at me.

Phew…glad that’s over…I sat down and continued my journey home. And as I was sitting down I realised that I had forgotten something. “Silly me, I should have asked his phone number. Oh well…

I don’t know…

but I don’t mind

A few days ago, somebody asked me :
“What happened to your crush?”
“What crush?” I responded in an avoiding manner.
I brushed it off, like it was nothing…

And really it’s nothing, but it did make me wonder.
What did happen to my crush? Did it just disappear? Was it still there? What happened?

And I guess it’s rather simple. Seeing as you, just like me, are very strange and not forward, in this matter, I’m kinda expecting you and me to never happen. And that’s not me being negative and insecure about myself because I think you’re worthy of somebody better then me, because I suck. That’s not it, cause I know you don’t think I suck. However, I am realistic. And the reason I’m able to be, is because I’ve kinda let go of all my made up “principles” when it comes to how to have crushes.

“What you say? How to have crushes? You actually had a way of going about having a crush?
What warped person would think up guidelines and ways to act when having a crush? What person would feel like every single crush has to evolve into being in love with somebody, because if it doesn’t it wasn’t a crush in the first place and I’m a slut?”

Yes yes people…I am. I’m such a sick person. But You know what weird thing I did in this case? What I did this time?

It’s kinda really unlike me , who would normally make up guidelines and ways to carry herself when having a crush to know what to do every single time she had to do something or know what to “feel” every time I was supposed to feel something.

This time…I actually.. and hold on to your hat. This time, I just let everything, be what it was. Nothing more nothing less.

Yeah I like you, kinda…but I’m not gonna make it more then I feel it is. Not by creating suspicion in my own head , not by pretending I’m in denial, but secretly knowing I’m “really, madly and deeply in love with you”. None of that crap.

What I’m thinking right now is: I have fun with you (just to ease my brother: I have fun in a completely proper and Christian manner, and I don’t mean like a lot of priests in America), and we’ll see what happens. Maybe/probably nothing will, maybe I misread your seeming interest in me, maybe I didn’t, but until my heart ACTUALLY tells me otherwise , I’ll just let things be what they are…

So, I don’t know exactly what happened to my crush, or what’s going to happen with it, if it’s even still there…but I don’t mind. It’s kinda nice this way…no pressure

What a wonderfull day it was…

Today was a good day.. a very good day even.

Not only did I make my first appointment for my drivers lessons ,

I also found out that I passed a test which I thought I had failed miserably as a result of me not studying for it.
*whoohoo *

Not only did the bill for my schoolbooks turn out to be 60 euros’ less expensive then I thought it would be.

I also watched “Lord of the Rings 3”.

But most important of all…I didn’t feel like a complete and utter lump of snot, who was only good for lying in a bed with three blankets, a warm cup of tea, surrounded by handkerchiefs.

I felt better...still snotty , but better:).

So 'hip hip hurray!' for me:)