I took my sweet time

but…

I finally did it.


Did I do it well? No not exactly..
Did I do it not half bad? Not even close..
The truth is, I basically sucked ass…

But the point is, I did it. I finally went running, and you know what?
That makes me feel pretty damn good about myself.
Never mind the fact that tomorrow I’ll probably be stuffing my face again, and that it’ll probably take me another month or three to go running again, cause well, I ran today.
And nobody can take that away from me. The sense of satisfaction, the fatigue in my legs, the small ache in my chest and the light feeling in my head, I’ll remember them, and each time I do, I’ll feel great about it.
And who knows, the memory of this euphoric feeling I’ve got right now, might motivate me to run again sometime soon and maybe then I won’t completely suck ass;)…

Mommy?

Why does daddy wear a dress ?

“Mommy?”
“Yes dear?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Off course you can…”
“Well, I was kinda wondering, why does daddy always wear a dress?”
“Ohh silly girl, daddy just feels more comfortable in those clothes.”
“But mommy?”
“Yes dear?”
“Aren’t those clothes meant for girls?”
“Well you see, those clothes are really for anybody who feels like wearing them, and some men feel like they need to wear those clothes in order to feel more confidant and stronger.”
“Well does daddy think he’s a woman then?”
“No, no, daddy doesn’t think he’s a woman. He knows he’s a man, that’s just his clothing style.”
“Mommy?”
“Yes….”
“Why does daddy always wear a matching hat?”
“Because he thinks it completes his look.”
“And why do his shoes always match the rest of his outfit?”
“Because your daddy has great eye for detail.”
“Well is daddy gay then?”
“Ha ha, no dear he’s not gay. It’s not just gay men who have eye for detail.”

“But mommy?”
“Yes dear, what is it?”
“Well, I can understand that he feels more comfortable wearing those “type of clothes” and a matching hat, and that he has great eye for detail, and I even understand that he wants to wear a pair of shorts underneath those clothes to prevent chafing, but there’s still one thing I don’t get.”
“What dear?”
“I just don’t understand why the shorts he wears underneath the dress have to sit so low that you can see his underwear…”

“Oh but baby, don’t you get it, Daddy’s an OG.”
“A what?? “
“An Original Gangster… He doesn’t wear dresses, he wears jerseys and shorts, gangster style…”

Bakin, bakin, bakin away…

Sunlight hits my face…I open one of my eyes, slowly. I see my cover on the floor beside my bed and I’ve got my face smashed into my pillow. It’s morning, early in the morning that is.
I push the upper part of my body up and try to find my phone, I need to know how early in the morning it is. I damn near fall off my bed reaching for my cell that’s laying on the floor next to my bed. I open my other eye and look at the screen: “08.46” . Well I guess it’s not that early, but it is that early for a day off…
I role myself back into bed and I turn on to my back. The sky seems blue today. I turn on to my side and stare out of the window, if I’m not mistaken I’m actually hearing birds sing. Wow, the sound of those birds combined with the sunlight shining on my face makes me feel like it’s spring. I catch myself smiling, closing my eyes again and enjoying the warmth of the sun. Time to get up, I’ve got a long day ahead of me.
I get up and straighten my pyjama, while pulling my pyjama pants up, I feel how sore my back is from pushing around heavy containers yesterday. Sucky. I pick up my mp3-player, hang it around my neck and start walking downstairs. Halfway down the stairs I start wondering where the excruciating pain in my calf is coming from. Ohh, that’s right, I had cramps yesterday, and I’m still suffering its effects today… Ohh well I’ll just have to suck it up and get on with it.
Ahh, the kitchen, in all of its glory, it’s ready for the heavy task that lies on my shoulders. I’m going to make tiny salty tuna-pie’s today. With the aching back and calf, I’m really not that up for it, but the thought of the joy of cooking makes me forget my old people pains. I put in my earplugs and turn on my mp3-player. Let’s get this show on the road!

5 hours, all great songs on my mp3-player, 4 and a half packages of foam paste and 71 tiny salty tuna-pie’s later, I sit down. My back is locked up, I can’t move my legs and I’ll probably be unable to move my arms tomorrow because of all the foam paste rolling…I hate the pain I’ll have tomorrow, but I love what I’ve created. 71 little bites of heaven. Made with passion, love and devotion. I love baking, it makes me forget about everything…

Hell, I’ve been so rapped up I think I forgot to eat…

Go with the flow..

Lately I’ve been struggling to find words, words to express how I feel.
I know, I’m no writer, I’m not fooling anybody. Maybe I’m not even a blogger in the true sense, however lame that may sound. Nevertheless I try to make sense of my thoughts, words and feelings.
I try to put myself into words, and on paper, so I can see for my self. So I can make sense of it all.

Lately I haven’t been able too, maybe it’s because lately I’ve been trying so desperately to exploit the writers talent I don’t have in order to create something so brilliant and mind-blowing that it all seamed either nice at first site and shit in the end, or just trashcan-worthy-shit straightaway.

I guess that’s why lately I haven’t been able too put my thoughts into words anymore, because I try to god damn hard. Because I try to hard to create this perfect picture. The truth is though, my thoughts are almost never perfectly balanced, so to think that I could fit them into cute little entertaining and good story’s is just foolish.

My thoughts aren’t organized, and not all of them, hell a lot of them, won’t cut it in a good story. But I should just keep in mind that this hole scene, this hole writing down my thoughts thing, is to help me. It’s to help me understand myself, my motifs and why I do or don’t do the things I do and don’t do in my life…

I shouldn’t try so hard, it should come natural. I should just go with the flow when it comes to my thoughts and let my thoughts be what they are. Nothing more nothing less. No over analysed puns, no over the top alliterations, non of that crap, unless it’s natural. Cause if it’s not, you can tell.. and well, that just sucks.

So I guess it’s safe to say that I have now written the worse blog in ages, however there isn’t much fake about it…And really, that alleviates…

Press conference


Get serious…

I hereby declare the press conference to be open…

“The lady in the pink suite…”
“Yes hello, I’m with ‘the Inquirer’ and I was wondering, how you are doing today?”
“Well as you all know, I’m always fine.”
I smile. “Next question please.”

“Yes, we were also wondering if you are planning to make changes and if so, how soon can we expect them?”
“Ah yes, well change is good, however change must be guided in such a way that it doesn’t surpass it’s boundaries and so it doesn’t create something short of a disaster. In order to do so we will have to let a great deal of thought go over the change we want to conduct. And to the question when we will actually make the changes that we still have to think about and decide on? That all depends on how quickly we’ll be able to solve our problems and the issues we have with the factors we, can’t have any control over. Until then we are forced to proceed as we have and I must say, it has been doing great, so I am noting but positive”, I say with a weak smile.
The man in the back…”

“Hello, I’m with the ‘New York’ times and I was curious to know what you would like to change about yourself?”
“Interesting question maim. I could say I would like to create world peace but I could also say that I would love to create peace in my mind. I could give it a lot of thought, and this I have, however I don’t think I would be able to oblige yourself with any satisfying answer. So I choose to say, I honestly don’t know and thereby leave you too not knowing the answer to that question.”
“Ehm…I see, well we were also wondering whether you were planning on embracing people any time soon and letting people in some time?”
“Well, I have been giving this a serious amount of thought, and I do feel it’s time for some change in how I conduct my trust issues. However I do also feel that it is important that I let the change go smoothly by guiding it slowly in between boundaries because I wouldn’t want anything to escalate and turn in to anything short of a disaster. I will have to manage the change and let my guard down as slowly as possible. So I guess that means that change will come sometime.”
Again I smile, looking a little bit agitated, but only for the people who truly know me.

“Yes, I’m with ‘GET SERIOUS-magazine’ and we were wondering when you were going to cut the bull cr*p, when you were going to get serious about your life, the changes you want to make and make them. We were interested in finding out when you would finally decide to let your insecure teenage ways behind and go for it, it being life. We just wanted to know when are you going to Get serious?”
I stare, I do nothing…I look around. Well there’s nothing else left to do now is there.
I lift my hand up and I start smiling and waving, and smiling and waving, and smiling and waving…

Damn…that always used to work…

“No further questions!…”

I am alone..

but not for long…

… “See you Saturday” she said, riding off and slowly disappearing in the mist.

I looked around, it was cold outside, cold, dark and misty.
Not really my kind of night, not really a night to be out here. Here on this forsaken road, with little prairie type houses on each side.
It’s just so ridiculously quiet. It just doesn’t make sense.

I stopped walking and turned my head to the sky. Not even stars this evening, not even moonlight to guide me home safely.
I looked in front of me again.

I’m alone.
Just me, and the silent mist and darkness this evening brings.

I’m alone.

I reached inside my jacket and put in my earplugs.
I don’t want to be alone with silence…silence sucks ass, at least tonight it does, tonight I don’t need it. Tonight I need noise to surround me, noise to drown out the negativity in my head… Cause like I said, negativity today won’t faze me!

I reached for my mp3-player and turned it on.

Bo-rush popped into my ears. I couldn’t have heard a better song right now…” This is the time to hold the world within my hand…Letting know I’m hear, that I’ve got no fear. This is the time to rise above and make a stand, feel I’m getting near, as it all becomes clear…

And with that thought repeating itself through my head, with the sound of percussion, trumpets and other music inside my head, I hopped on home nothing next to dancing…

Music enlightens me, gives my happiness, joy and hope. It makes me believe that I do hold the world within my hands, That I can make a stand, That these tears will dry on their own, and That negativity today won’t faze me….

Music, my safe-haven….