Passion : It’s a great word, and I guess it means something like, loving something so much that you really want to pursue it or in case your passion is for a person, then you want to pursue that person. I’ don’t think it’s applicable to me, at least not at the moment, Yeah I like a lot of things, like music, and dancing, they make me happy, but does that mean I have a passion for them? Hardly. I still have to find my passion.
Love : I wouldn’t know that if it hit me in the face. I don’t think or know whether I can say I’ve ever been in for-real- not-stops-all-the-way-threw-love. I wish I had, but maybe me wanting a taste of non-single life is just a case of the grass is greener…
Hot : When I say hot, I mean, “Wow, she’s hot!” I had a conversation with somebody about this matter, and it’s true that I honestly can’t imagine anybody finding me drop dead gorgeous, or hot. I simply can’t, although I know that can be worked at.
Studious : Don’t get me wrong , I love learning new things, I just don’t like or can’t deal with the Idea of having to know a certain amount of information in a certain amount of time and there being consequences bound to me not actually knowing the information on time. I know a lot of people have this problem, but most of them eventually do end up trying to get some of the info in on time. Nowadays I find myself just not studying at all anymore.. I just, don’t.
Really there are so many things (even things of meaning) not applicable to me…But I can’t deal with it all at once. Hell I might get depressed :P
So for now, this’ll have to do.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down.
Sometimes you’re high, sometimes you’re low.
I can’t read you, and it annoys the crap out of me.
Normally I ‘m pretty good at reading people, at least up to a certain extent. Me being the drama queen that I am , I usually over analyse things and peoples actions, in such a way that I confuse myself and therefore am unable to read them.
But you, I just don’t get, plane and simple. You’re aggressive one minute and al funny the next.
Hell, you’ve got mood swings like a pregnant lady.
I mean , you’re ok and all, I can even say I’ve taken quite a liking to you,
But god damn, you are one complicated creature.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
When you fall in love for the first time…
Why can I practically say antything to people I hardly know, and can’t I say hi to you?
Why is it that I can join the freaking freehugs-movement and give hundreds of hugs to all kinds of freaks on the street but when it comes to you, I get shy, I don’t know where to put my arms and I just don’t know?
Why do I get kissed on the cheek by many people as a greeting or in celebration of something and be completely fine, but when you give me one kiss on my cheek I remember that and savour tha? Hell I even catch myself stroking the part on my cheek you kissed…
Why is it that when in class we have to make a big circle and I only remember who’s hand I held when it’s yours?
Why is it that me and my classmates can play tag but when your it, I can’t but run into you so you tag me?
Why is it that everything with you is different??
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
“Hey girl”, he said with his semi-low voice.
“Yes”, I replied. I turned around and looked at him. “wassup?”
He looked at me, he paused, and then he said:”No nevermind, I was gonna say something, but on second thought, I’ll just not say anything.”
I turned around like I didn’t really care whether he told or asked me what he wanted to tell or ask me. But really all kinds of things popped into my head which made me wanna know:
“Yeah you know, when you say you’re fat? And I say you’re not? I was wrong and you’re right, you are fat. And you can really tell from this angle.”
When that thought crossed my mind I took a few steps away from him and I started putting on my black jacket. And as I was buttoning it up another thought crossed my mind:
“Come a little closer, a little closer, just a tad bit closer…yeah you’re right, you are extremely hairy and I guess you do have more facial hair then your average 16 year old boy.”
A chill ran down my spine… I hated you for not saying what you wanted to say, and making me feel this insecure, But really I hated myself for letting myself get all ‘insecure-16-year-old-girl’ on my self.
If all these people weren’t here to witness our conversation I would have pressed you and pushed you to tell me what was on your mind. I would have forced you to say what you wanted. But those people were there, and so I didn’t.
And no I’m going to keep wondering whether it would have been something I’d like to hear, or not. I should have asked…Then I wouldn’t have to wonder, then I’d know..
Saturday, March 24, 2007
You know I like gorgeousness, and cuteness. Very much even. But it seems to me, too much of what you like can get annoying.
Do you know ‘I’m to gorgeous to mention’ and ‘cuteness in all stars’?? I do and I think they’re best friends, because every time I see one of them , the other one seems to pass me by a few seconds or minutes later. And half of the time I see them together, minding their own business, not bothering anybody and casually nodding at people with a ‘yeah-I’m-so-normal-I-just-casually-nod-to-everybody-I-see-looking-at-me-that’s-how –friendly-I-am’- Kind of way about them.
I see them when I go to school, standing across from me in the subway.
I see them when I look dreadfully washed out trying to make my way back home after school.
I see them when I hang out with my brother, in the subway with their nieces being all cute and stuff.
I see them when I go out ridiculously early in the morning for a run, in order to not run into ANYBODY.
Hell I even see them in Leiden which is like miles away from their normal habitat, sitting across from me in the train and smiling at me in a complete ‘Don’t-worry-I-don’t-mean-anything-by-it-I’m-just-being-sociable- way’.
And just look who’s All stars decided to make him cross my path, when I’m scurrying off to work because I’m dressed horribly and I’m on the verge of being late? That’s right, It’s mister ‘cuteness in all stars’. And I already know what it means when he passes me. It means that mister ‘I’m to gorgeous to mention’ is probably on is way over here to.
A lovely word a friend of mine once used, “eye-candy”, that’s what they are. But to much candy is eventually gonna make you noxious. And I can’t say I’m exactly noxious , but I am a bit frustrated I guess:P:P
You know that feeling when you see a jar of Bj’s? And you start imagining what it tastes like? And you already know it’s going to be divine when you have that first bite. And you start actually tasting it? That’s torture right??
But the feeling afterwards, when you actually DO take that first bite, and you savour it. That feeling of endorphin turned into euphoria is great right? Ok hold on to that feeling.
Yesterday, I had that feeling, but I didn’t have Bj’s or anything similar. I was just suddenly taken over by this euphoric feeling, this euphoric state. I don’t know how, or why, but I was.
I guess it must have been triggered by something…but I’m not sure what by. It dazzles me.
I kept catching my self smiling over nothing and just overall feeling delightfully happy. It was to weird to mention. Even while working, I just kept smiling like a 3 year old with a lolly-pop.
To weird, but also to great to mention…
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I once wrote a little peace about how I blew a chance I got, and how I’d probably never get a second chance to do it over and to do it right, because life isn’t full of second chances.
And well, I was right.
The truth is, you DON’T get second chances that often,
I never got the second chance to tell that person I though he was the one
I never got the second chance to say my goodbye’s differently
I never got the second chance to say I was sorry for what I’d done
I never got the second chance to go back and do it all over, and do it right
Those unused opportunities will be the lessons and wisdom I take with me on this life’s journey.
And I’ll need them.
‘Cause last night, when I was all tired and headache-ish and annoyed with my neglect to take care of myself, a couple of words popped into my head.
“Every morning that you open your eyes and you realise you’re still alive, is a second chance at life.”
I don’t know where those words came from, but I sure know or believe they’re true.
Every single time, I live to see the morning, I get a second chance to better my life, to make the best of prior mistakes, to take care of myself to look at who I was the day before and change, and better that person.
I get a second chance at life.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
“Ohh no winch, you did not just call me a b*tch and a liar to my face!! Now You know that’s gonna cost ya!!”
I step up to her and slap her across the face. She looks at me in total ahh…
But then her face turns into this mean ‘Oh- no- you-didn’t-look’.
She comes towards me and tries to slap me to, but I duck and grab her arm. She pinches my other underarm with her free hand. And she really tries to push her nails into my flesh.
I can feel it burning, and I can feel the bacteria entering my body and festering in it. I push out the pain. Not today bitch, today you won’t have me.
I let go of her arm and grab her hair and I pull it down. And like magic she lets go of my arm. Her head is pulled towards the ground, but she doesn’t seem to like it. So she starts kicking me.
Now I’m not a big fan of kicking so I keep hold of her hair, but push her back. I take a couple deep breaths, during which I decide what to do with this peace of crap who’s hair I’m holding. She screams like a cat that got thrown into water and then road over by a truck.
I pull her towards me and she throws her arms around me and starts hitting my back. I let go of her hair and grab her waste. I figured my knee was close enough to her stomach, so I started smashing it into her stomach. I finally stopped doing it, because her nails and her hands constantly hitting and scratching my back was starting to burn a bit and I figured she probably had had enough of my knee hitting her stomach too.
She stepped back and she was breathing heavily, as was I. Apparently cat fighting takes a lot out of you.
Anyway, I looked up at her as I was touching my back, I was bleading…And my grumpy hormonal self, who had been about done with this semi-cat fight, didn’t quite appreciate that.
“You b*atch!!!”I screamed, and ran towards her and started slapping her across the face, pulling her hair and scratching her and punching her, with my fists. She pushed me and tried to slap me to, but I didn’t notice anymore. It had gotten red before my eyes…
The last thing I remembered was her lying on the floor with her nose bleading, and my hands and my face red, and sore from slapping, punching and scratching her…I had broken her nose..
Well that should teach her, don’t mess with me, especially when I ‘m grumpy and hormonal at the same time:)