Fate…

He who seeks shall never find..
Because he who seeks , is running from his past,
Therefore, he who seeks, is making his future impossible.

He who seeks shall never find..
For his impatience to find the future and what is meant for him,
will end up leading him away from that what is destined to be for him…and bring him closer to what’s not…

Now that is one way to look at it…

three years…

April 21st 2004

That was the first day I wrote. An entry on a web log that is off course.
That was the first day I wrote down what was going on in my head.

I took some time too look at some of my blogs. And I started with the first off course. Really that wasn’t all that interesting, just me trying to be witty and telling some kinda non important things about my day and stuff. As I went through the entries I’ve made, it’s kinda funny to see how I’ve changed, and gotten to know more of myself and the way I think and work really.

Off course I still got lots to learn, but it’s still nice to see that I have changed, not only in the way I think, but also in the way I write. And it’s good to see that because I always think everything around me changes but I always stay the same. So now I’ve got proof I don’t.

In three years, which have probably been the three most hormonally influenced years of my life, I’ve been through a lot. Not a lot of dramatic things but I’ve mentally passed a lot of things…Boys, crushes, school, music, my life, where it’s going, and the way I felt and sometimes still feel suffocated with the way the world and my life and society is, friends, family, the way they make me feel, what they mean to me, gaining stuff, loosing stuff, gaining people, loosing people, acknowledging my faults, trying to better my ways, me feeling up, me feeling down, me taking care of my body, me struggling with it. So many things…

Really I’m glad I had the opportunity to write all those things down and reflect on them and put them into perspective. I’m really glad I was in some way able to share things that I wouldn’t share with people face to face, scared of being perceived as a weak person. I’m glad I was able to get it all out, that way I’ve got a smaller chance of turning in to a total psychopath.

So I hereby congratulate myself with my three year anniversary of blogging!

I hope it’ll have the effect that I hope it will have.

Cheers, and to many more!

X, your provider of many mentally disturbed confessions throughout the passed three years.

When it’s right,

I guess it’s just right…

Usually I hate couples.
Not old and married couples. Those couples usually either fall out of love and stay together out of habit and say : “we’re like brother and sister nowadays”, or they actually stay in love and keep surprising each other with little and big things to keep the fire burning.
I prefer the latter, but the first usually also doesn’t get up in my face to bother me, so I can live with them too.

I hate the young couples, couples my age. The first few weeks are fine, and ok. They’re all in love and stuff and kissy, kissy and lovey dovey. And even though some people overdo it, I can deal with that, cause happy people are a good thing. But after that, I usually just can’t stand them. Cause usually those couples are awfully disturbed. One is always bossing around the other, and if not they just stay together because of the pleasure they get out of it if you know what I mean. They usually hardly discuss things, and I mean real things, things that matter. They just leave issues unresolved and kiss and make up as if that would make the issues go away. They complain to everybody but their partners about what stupid things their partners do and how much they can’t stand it. And really there’s usually a complete lack of mutual understanding, respect and intense and honest love.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not such a romantic that I think functional couples discuss every little detail and share their feelings and sing kumbaya every single day. I know they don’t, but is it really weird to expect something even slightly along those lines??

Never mind that question, I’ve already got the answer.

There are many couples I really can’t stand, and which I therefore don’t envy. And there are some couples, two to be exact, which I can’t envy, because they’re just right, they just fit. Or at least that’s what it seems like. In these two relationships when there’s a dispute, it gets settled behind closed doors, both people are respected and treated as thinking and feeling human beings, nobody seems whooped by the other. In these relationships problems are discussed and laughed about when solved. Also I’m pretty sure they do the kiss and make up thing, but only after the matter has been solved.

Maybe I’ve got it wrong, maybe they don’t do all this, maybe they’re just like the rest of them. Maybe they don’t discuss things, and maybe one of them has got the other one whooped. I don’t know, but these couples just fit, they’re just right. They’re an example to the rest of us. And really I’m happy to have them as my role models:). And really I hate to be gushing about them, but I just had to write it off… Sorry for bothering;)

Love…

If I were to approach the value love as such, a value, one we cherish o such an extent that we are willing to devote our life’s happiness to it, a value in which we believe so much that we are willing to put our lives in its hands, if I were to approach that rationally or in some eyes negatively, I’d have to say the entire concept is completely illogical.

Because if we were to approach the concept of love rationally, and I’d strip it sown to what it rationally seen is, It would be no more then a name for, or a validation of, the relationship between two people, which is basically formed by hormones and other biochemical reactions. It would seem that the only reason for our belief in love would indeed merely be to validate our relationships, give meaning to them and creating a sense of there being something other then what we can grasp with our minds or brains, and therefore idealising it.

What it would come down to is that the concept of love is an illusion.
Because for example, I could be civil to everybody, if I wished to be. To my mom, as well as to that guy across the street. However, my relationship with my mom is different to that of me and the guy across the street, in that my mom should, according to society and biology feel the need to provide and take care of me. Now we’d like to ascribe her need to do so to the concept of love, but if it indeed is love, then are animals capable of loving to? Animals take care of their young, they teach them how to live and so on. But in their case we call it instinct. So I ask you: Love, or simple equations and laws of physics and nature?
I could reproduce with any willing man, technically. With that guy across the street, or with the guy I call mine. However, my relationship with the man I know and call mine is different to that of me and the guy across the street in that I know and trust the guy I call mine, because he has proven to be worthy of my trust through trial. But honestly, the guy across the guy across the street could be a trustworthy person too, and he could prove he was if given the opportunity. The real difference is this, me and the man I call mine have, as we like to say, ‘clicked’. Which means as much as that our pheromones connected, and worked well together. Is that love, or just a simple equation of laws of physics and nature?
Animals select their mates too, by body odour and lots of other biological markings of each individual animal. So do they love too?

If I’d still be approaching this rationally, I’d say that this Illusion of love is present but without any real use or necessity. Because well, we know all this.

As I stated before, this view on, or approach to love would however be considered quite negative by your average person or romantic. And considering the fact that I see myself as at least one of both, I would have to say that I highly disagree with this rather organic , “rational” approach to our concept of love, which is based solely on biology and in now way explores our mind and that what makes us humans, our ability to show, have and feel emotions in different degrees. Because of this our value of what was prior referred to as the illusion of love can’t be summarised and reduced to a simple biological equation. True, animals groom their young, but in a lot of cases they wouldn’t die for them , if they probably would die trying to save them. Humans do. True animals select partners, but they wouldn’t give their life for them, or take longer then the mating season to find one. Humans would.

Perhaps animals are the rational ones in this case, and we aren’t. But it’s not because we don’t want to be, it’s because we can’t be, we’re incapable. Love overcomes our ratio, not because we want it to , or let it, but because it just does.

Love is what drives us. We aren’t trying to validate her, she is part of us, And that’s the truth. And really , the obvious truth needs no defence of any kind.

So…Let’s celebrate love!

Not caring that much, turned into agressiveness

Want a piece of me?!?!

I’m probably just hormonal, but scrue it !

Today was just to much! It was the last drop (for now of course).. I’ve had it!

It was one ‘Well, ok fine by me’ to many, one ‘pulled up shouldders’to many, one to many of all of the carelessness’. F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!!!!

To much , just to much!

I walked home, alone. Somebody asked me today: “Hey girl, why are you always so cheery?! You’re never angry, or cranky.”
Little did she know I had been getting worked up more and more throughout the evening. “I’m just a happy person” I responded.

When I got outside I was alone and I could just let it out, my anger that was. I wanted to scream but I somehow couldn’t. I was angry, and I knew I really had no right to be, but god damn it I was angry…
I kept on walking thinking in words, harsh words inside my head, Inside I was screaming. An occasional fuck slipped out of my mouth every once in a few steps, and I kept making my hands into fists.

A guy was walking towards me. And secretly I wished that he would bother me so I’d have a good reason to really punch somebody, and punch them good. But he didn’t he, just passed me in the same steady and quick pace as I passed him.
I kept walking and I saw three guys coming closer, but I was still kind of rapped up in screaming f*ck on the inside, and I was kinda convinced that they would do the same as the guy who approached me earlier, just pass me. I kept F*cking on, as they came closer.
“Little girl, you shouldn’t be walking outside by yourself at night, a specially not a pretty little thing like you …”
I looked at them like I wanted to punch them right then and there, So I did the stupid thing and hissed at them. Luckily my legs kept on carrying me home, because they started walking ridiculously slow and they kept on turning around. And If I’d have listened to the angry part of my brain, I would have walked towards them and provoked them even more. I guess they figured, she’s not worth our time and trouble. I would have figured the same…But somewhere I really wished somebody would get in my face so I'd have a good reason to be mean and kick and punch their lights out...

So I wasn’t done with my own stupidness yet.. I really wanted to punch somebody, hell I still do. Even though I’m much calmer now, although the swollen vanes on my hands seam to disagree. I kept on walking home, still shouting f*ck still making my hands into fists , and still punching one hand into the other…I needed to vent, this feeling inside me had to go somewhere…It just had to…

So before I got in, a tear rolled over my cheek. Release…

Shitty…

I got off work a little bit early today.. earlier then usual, but still late. I got outside, and the wind was cold. I took off my scarf to really feel it. I untied my hair, and let it blow in the wind… I must have looked like Diana Ross. I walked past this gentleman, a fairly nice looking gentle, but I didn’t bother to look less shitty, or a little more human-like. I just walked on…

I got to this open space, and I started slowing down. I usually walk really fast, especially during the night and I’m alone. But tonight I just slowed down my pace. I threw my head back and watched the stars threw my hair which was being blown into my face…a beautiful sight.

I didn’t really feel like going home yet, but I knew I had nowhere else to go. I think that might have been the reason I slowed down my pace. I opened my jacket a little, I wanted to feel the wind blow threw me…I got to a road I had to cross, but I didn’t bother looking to see if I could cross it freely, or whether I’d be run over by a car going 40 miles an hour. I got lucky I guess, seeing as how I’m now at home writing some things down…

At one point on my usually 5 minute trip home I just felt the need to not get home, in such a way, that I just sat down on the sidewalk. I sat down, and thought about what was bothering me, what had been bothering me for the last couple of days, and I thought about nothingness, and about running away, about going to the river and just clearing my head, about hopping on a train to nowhere and about a lot of other things I think. I was just done with it all. With my day, with myself, wit it all. And at the end of it all, I just wanted to be gone.. away from here, like I have wanted before.

Lately I’ve been feeling shitty, and because of it, I have to get away…