Bad hangovers

“Hello, ***** speaking.”
“I need you here.”
“Excuse me?!”
“I need you to be here , and tell me everything will work out fine…”
“Excuse me, who is this!!??”

I hang up the phone, realizing I just called a complete random number and begged for direction, comfort, help. Whatever you want to call it really.
I role over my bed and toss my phone on it somewhere. I open my eyes and move my hand around to find it again. Ohh what’s the use.

I turn around and grab the bottle that’s beside my bed. I take a sip, and another. I don’t know which hand’s got hold of the bottle, my right or my left. Silly thing to worry about at this moment isn’t it?
I open my eyes again and stare at the sealing, it’s turning and going in circles. Ahh f*ck I hate it when I feel this way. I try to sit up and stare into the mirror. I see a distorted image of a person that reminds me of myself. With dark lines under her eyes. I grab one of the tissues on my bed, and try to wipe away what looks like running mascara from crying. Everything starts twirling and whirling again. I fall over and hit my head into my pillow, the tissue falls out of my head and I suddenly become very aware of the fact that I’m breathing. I drift off into nothingness and all of a sudden, somewhere in the distance I hear something that sounds like it might be my ringtone. It brings me back. I open my eyes yet again and drag my body towards the shower…Wash it all away…

I’m going where I’m going…


But where should I go ?

I know I have a blessed life. I’ve got many friends, I’ve got enough good friends. I’ve got a loving family, a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and some on my hips and ass.
I’ve got everything that I need. And more.

I’m blessed.

I’ve known many happy moments. More then I could possibly count. I think that I’m a happy person.
But there’s one thing that keeps popping up in my mind. One thing that keeps me wondering. One thing I’d sometimes really rather not wonder about because I can never seem to find an answer for it.

What do I want with my life? What do I want my life to be like? What are my goals? What do I really want to do?

It seems that every time I face reality and realise I’m not on the right track that I get forced to think about it…

Getting chickened out of love

‘You were caught embracing him passionately… would you care to explain that ??
No no, we’re just friends.. really…
Damn, why don’t you just admit you like him and make a move already…’

Sometimes peoples gutlessness embarrasses me, and disappoints me.
I was talking to a friend , a male friend this time. He told me he was into this girl and he had been for quite some time, but he said he was going to wait a little longer to make a move on her. Just until he was sure it was mutual.
I told him that there was no way he could possibly be 100% sure that she was as in to him as he was in to her.

And I had a vision on how the scenario would play itself out, because I’ve been there before, and other people had shared with me there similar stories.
He would not make a move, which would give her the impression that he wasn’t interested. And her response on that fact would be to move on. So basically they would not end up together. Such a shame, because well, if he does make a move he actually has a chance of ending up with her.
Sure she could turn him down, and say: “Well I’m sorry , but I’m not that interested in you”.
But if he doesn’t ask , or share his feelings, he can be pretty sure that he’ll never know what she thinks of him. Am I right??

I know this is nothing new. And I know I’m not making any big statements or going out on a limb. But every time people tell me stories like this I’m amazed. I don’t understand why so many people seem to be like me and get “chickened” out of love, or the possibility for it.

I think many of us miss out on love because we want to be sure the other person feels the same. Basically in order to minimize the chance of getting hurt. When the truth is, in love there are no certainties, and well, hurting in love and feeling deliriously happy in love, are very close to one and other. So really, it’s a risk you have to take…
It’s a choice you have to make between, either taking the risk of getting hurt and ending up in love, or not taking the risk of getting hurt, being sure that you’re heart stays in tact, but ending up alone…

I’d say , go for it !

Get up…

I was rooting for some sunshine today..
Praying even, and I’m not Christian.
My prayers weren’t answered…
It’s cloudy when I open my eyes , and try to figure out how I ended up on the wrong side of my bed. My head’s supposed to be on the other end.

Today is going to be different, It has to be.
Never mind the sun not shining. Never mind it not being warm.
Never mind the fact that the world looks at least as shitty as I’m feeling.
Never mind all of that.

I want to have a good day, a fun day. Not a “lets-do-nothing-again-day”.
The truth is, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of not minding me not doing anything. I’m sick of me not studying enough, and I’m sick of me just laying around all day.
Today Is going to be a good day.

I’m going to do stuff, fun stuff and less fun stuff, but I’m going to do stuff…
At least…I hope…

Surprise me

Rap me in your arms,
show me the world
surprise me,
dazzle me,
take me where I need to go, where I need to be

I want to be surprised bye you
if not every day, then every once in a while
But first I need to know where to go…

I want to be surprised bye you
And not be caught in this numb state of regularity,
Boredom, and this feeling of being hypnotised bye
Everything around me…

I want to live, I want to love life and be loved bye it!

Message to not so friendy friend

There are a lot of things I hate about you, or at least dislike about you.
I used to see you a lot, and get annoyed with you’re unsocial attitude, your sarcasm and harshness that in some cases would have even been to much for Hans Teeuwen to handle.
I’d get annoyed bye it, but it also rubbed off on me, at least bits of it.

Nowadays, I don’t talk to you that often, I see you even less and guess what?? I don’t really like that.
At one point you were part of the family, at one point you were my parents third child, almost. At one point my parents actually didn’t feed you because they thought you weren’t getting fed at your own house, but because you were family and family members are supposed to leave our house sickeningly stuffed. You leaving the house sickeningly stuffed hasn’t happened yet, but that’s just because you’ve got a crazy appetite. Hell, you eat more then my brother does. But lets make one thing clear, it at least wasn’t because of our lack of food but our lack of time that kept you from leaving completely stuffed.

I miss that.
I miss you leaving almost stuffed. I miss you, my brother and me making music every other Sunday. I miss us play fighting. I miss ordering Chinese from the funny woman on the other side of the telephone line who could never say your street name correctly, when the three of us were at your place.
Our relationship with you has reduced to us watching you sipping on your Malibu at birthday parties and worrying whether you’ve almost had enough…

Yesterday I got home, my head was feeling like a truck drove over it. Migraine. I got home, kissed my parents goodnight and went to bed. And this evening, this evening that I was in pretty mind-blowing pains, literally, I dreamt of you.
I dreamt that I was cleaning my room, and my brother came bye. I heard him shouting from downstairs saying he had a surprise for me. I opened my bedroom door and heard what I thought was your voice. And then you came walking up the stairs and said ‘hello there’. And honestly I was quite happy to see you. You gave me a hug and actually asked how I was doing.

Now I know that could only happen in a dream world. You being the sarcastic, somewhat sceptic, not sociable , but in some ways funny and likeable sorry excuse for a friend that you are. But it would be nice for you to show your face sometimes.

I know your not like that, I know it’s not that you don’t want to be but you’re just not. I know that you don’t try to forget to call me or my mom or my brother, you simply don’t remember. Your just not so thoughtful when it comes down to it.

Nevertheless, it would be nice.

Relationship gone bed…

It’s all to much now.
I feel like I have to say something because well, you don’t really seem to care.

We used to have such a good relationship, you used to know what I needed, and gave me just that.
We fitted, we matched. You and me together was just, right.
We spent endless nights together, after going out, after working late. You and me, we were as close to perfect as I’ve ever been.
The ones before you just don’t compare.

And really I still hold you in high esteem. But lately I feel like I’m the only one who’s putting in the effort, who’s trying to make it work. I feel I’m the only one in this relationship who’s trying to make us fit again. And I know you’ve changed, so have I, but still I can’t just accept the fact that you’ve been giving me pains, that you haven’t been fulfilling my needs. That our nights together are hollow shells of what they used to be, and that I spend them lying awake, hurt and thinking about where it all went wrong. Because really, sometimes even breathing makes me feel the pain. The littlest things I do make me think of you and our relationship and how it has gone bad.

I want our balance back, I want our state of almost perfect back.

I know three years is a lot, especially when you’re as young as I am, and in bad shape like you are. But something as good as we had, shouldn’t be thrown away just like that…

But on the other hand, I could also just buy a new bed and put you outside with the rest of the trash. Hmm.. there’s a good Idea !

When drinks have people…

When people have drinks they:

- Start laughing over silly things
- Start talking easier then they usually do
- Start talking louder then they usually do
- Start acting funny
- Start getting huggy
- Start telling secrets
- Overall start being, more sociable, and more honest people then when they’re sober

When drinks have people however, people:

- Start spitting when they talk
- Start getting frisky
- Start acting like they think they’re being funny
- Start falling a sleep in the middle of sentences
- Start kissing people they won’t remember the next morning
- Start walking around and falling a sleep outside in the grass
- Start making up things that make no sense whatsoever
- They overall start acting like bloody fools…

I don’t like it when drinks have people.
People who have drinks are more fun.

Confession booth

You’re the weird one, I discuss with nobody…

You’re the weird one I mention on my blog/ in my confession booth, and then casually brush off when people try to discuss you with me.

“Who’s the weird one??”

I don’t do live shows when it comes to you.

Cause you’re who you are, and the way you are.

The way you make me feel can change in a flash.
The one moment I feel like I’m floating, the next I feel like I’m just another person..
Granted, you never make me feel like shit, at least not when I’m not hormonal and I can look at the world like a normal person.
But still, the way you can seem to want me the one minute and not care if I’m there the next, doesn’t work for me.

So off course My mind has already decided that you and me will never happen. Hell, I wrote that down quite some time ago. Even though you made me feel like I was floating just the other day, I’m able to make that decision rationally. Because I know I deserve better then to be yo-yoed up and down.But of course for the rest of me, never means, not now, not until you make it undoubtedly clear that you want me.

When and if that happens, I’ll decide what to do with you…

Till then…no pressure…;)

X.

The downfall of memory..

I remember so vividly

I hold on to it, that memory

A good memory it is…like it was yesterday..

The problem: Holding on to it…to much..

I’ve got the tendency to hold on to memory’s to much,
to remember and thereby relive them to well,
to repeat one moment over and over again…

A good writer wrote about how one is able to freeze one moment in time forever, if one wants to freeze it badly enough…

and that’s a beautiful thing, but also a tricky thing…

I usually get sucked into a loop where I keep remembering that thing I really don’t want to forget. But me trying to hold on to that memory keeps me from making new ones…
It kinda takes me out of this world and in to the world that used to be…

The downfall of my vivid memory’s…but still, they’re so good…