Well, I guess it happened , again…
I let it happen again. A little different this time, that much can be said.
But I let it happen, and so it did.

It’s hard for me to speak of love, or go further then saying, a crush.
I really just like to call it pheromones and hormones reacting with somebody else’s hormones and pheromones.
I guess it makes it a little less bad, or real even.

But which ever way I say it, or which ever way I turn it, to make it seem more organic, less important, and more like something I’ll have forgotten tomorrow,
It still feels the same…

A girl

which ever way you put it…

Every once in a while, I have to drop a bitch post.. a post in which I bitch about stuff.
Ok most of my posts are like that.

I’m a girl. I’m sure of that.
I pee sitting down and there aren’t any trunk-like organs involved in the matter.
I get my period.
I wear a bra.
I love bitching about stuff;).
I like boys.
I like being wooed by boys.
I basically enjoy being around boys. Not only because they’re boys but also because they're are so much more easy going then girls…
I sometimes (be it very rarely) wear skirts.
I wear high heals.
I love spending time with my girlfriends watching dvd’s of ‘Sex and the City’.
I have a rather high tone of voice.
I love clothes and shoes.
I love spending more money then I’ll ever own on buying clothes and shoes.
I put on mascara and eyeliner.
I love Bj’s.
I love chocolate.
I love the feeling I get from eating chocolate, and Bj’s.
I love accessories.
I love the colour purple.
I love women magazines like cosmopolitan , glamour, and vogue.

To me those things basically say “Girl” to a T, at least in my world.

SO that’s probably why I hate it so much when people say:
“Now I can never think of you as a girl anymore, I could actually say anything to you!”
“Wow, I usually never say those things to a girl.. but I don’t know, you’re not a normal girl.”
“Listen, they wouldn’t kick you if you were a normal girl right? So stop being such a guy when you’re around them!!”

But guess what?? I AM a GIRL.!

Looky looky

I stare, it’s what I do. I stare, and I look around me. Every time I see something move in the corner of my eye, I turn my head and look. It’s just in my nature.
It doesn’t mean, I want you, that I’m trying to flirt with you or that my ultimate goal is to hump you. I just stare and look around me.

When you go from A to B , and you walk past me, I’ll turn and look at you. If you then have to go from B back to A again, and you walk past me again, there’s a big chance that I’ll turn my head again and look at you.
Note to you though: I do this a lot with, a lot of people. You don’t have to feel all special and chosen when you see me looking at you. ‘Cause truth of the matter is, it doesn’t mean shit. It doesn’t mean, I want you, that I’m trying to flirt with you or that my ultimate goal is to hump you. I just stare and look around me.
Keep this in mind.

The fact that I’m looking at this guy who accidentally happens to be your boyfriend, or that I’ve looked at him more then once today, doesn’t mean I want him, that I’ll steal him from you, or that I think he might just choose me over you. Knowing me, I know that I think that last option is pretty much impossible, but hey. I just look at people, and your boyfriend just happened to have caught my eye a few times today, but hey, so have you, and you’re not accusing me of having a crush on you now are you??

So just so everything is clear: I stare. I look around me. And 99 percent of the time I mean absolutely NOTHING by it.

Leap of faith

We walk towards a ledge. The rest is already there.
“You know what my problem is?
“What?”
“I don’t know what I want. And you know…?”
“What?”
“Usually I don’t like talking about it, or think about it even, but lately it’s been haunting me. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah I guess I see what you’re saying. Step into these braces will ya?”
“Sure. What I’m saying is, don’t you ever feel like you don’t know what to do and how to deal with life questions? I mean, I think about all this stuff but I don’t know how to get my thoughts straight.”
“Move your arms…”
“ I can’t seem to rap my brain around it in an orderly fashion. And really I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the answers to the questions that haunt me, I just can’t seem to answer them. I wonder what my purpose is, If I’m living my life the right way , if I’m headed in the right direction and if I’m not, where I ‘m supposed to go then. I wonder what I’ll end up like, if I’ll ever find “the one”, If I’ll ever find out whether this is as good as it gets. It all just confuses me , you know?”
“hmhm..”
“I mean I know I want to do something else then what I’m doing now, but I haven’t got the slightest clue as to what it is I do want . You know?!?”
“Sure. Does that feel tight to you?”
“Ehm, yeah I guess. But you see my point is that I should drastically change my life and just start over. But honestly I don’t know how, and really..”
“Right. That’s all reeeaallly interesting, and you should really tell me more about it sometime…or not of course. But unless you’re planning on talking yourself into a brand new more exciting life and way of living, I suggest we get going now. So you ready?”
“Ready? I guess, what are we going to be doing today?” I ask looking down at my feet and realising there’s a rope attached to them. He puts his hand on my back, and smirks.
“We’re bungee jumping.”

Self-evaluation

Today I realized something, or I had an epiphany. I realized , I need to be needed. I need to feel like I make a difference, and that my presence matters and that my shoes can’t be filled by just another person.

That’s why I love to be the person people trust, and talk to when they have problems and issues. That’s why I feel good when I notice they need me. I know that sounds a bit macabre but, I guess it’s the truth. And besides, I also feel good when people feel the need to tell me good things about themselves and just share happy moments with me. So I’m not an “other-peoples-drama-seeker”.

I also used to love my work, because people made me feel like I was making a difference, like I was different then the rest. I had responsibilities, I was counted on. If somebody else was sick, or orders had to be made, I’d be the one they’d call. Because they knew I’d do a good job, and make it all right. Or at least that’s what I thought. Now I’m considering the possibility that they’d call me because I’m cheap :P, Ohh well.

My need to be needed is probably the reason why whenever I do something for none other then myself, my motivation drops, I get low moral, and basically, I just do it to get it over with. Or in the worst case scenario I just don’t do it at all. Which results in me feeling shitty about how shitty I’m doing the things I was supposed to do.

Of course the reason for me only being motivated enough to do things when it’s because I feel I’m needed, and therefore feel like if I don’t do it the world will come to an end, is a result of me not really knowing what I want to do with my life what I want to achieve and what I want for me really.

Bottom line: If I feel like nobody needs me to do something, I’ll do it half ass or I’ll just not do it all.

So, what to do?
I could either create a situation in which I would be depended on all the time. A situation in which I’d never feel like I wasn’t needed, and I could create it bye getting myself knocked-up and pooping out a baby.

Or I could of course, try to , or make an attempt to, find out what the hell it is I do want for me, myself and I.

Ps: me feeling the need to be needed doesn’t come forth out of the goodness of my angelic soul, it comes forth out of low self esteem and the feeling that If I’m not needed by others , they probably just hate me and really if that’s the case, what am I hear for then?

‘Chickened out of love ?’Scratch that

more like chickened out of life…

I’ve written about this plenty of times, And I’ll write about it plenty more until I finally take that self-esteem class...

I ‘m scared of going to peoples houses I’ve never been to be for. Why? Because I don’t know what the other people who live there will think of me, and whether they’ll like me.

I’m not too into going to party’s where I don’t know many people for the same reason as stated above.

I’m not into wearing clothes that are “different” because well, what will people think of me? Will they think I’m cool because I’m not afraid to be different? Or will they think I look like a fool and point, stare and laugh at me??

I’m not into change, cause god forbid anything turn out less good then it is now. Of course there’s a chance that things will improve, but there’s always a chance that things will get worse. So I’m sticking to everything as I know it.

I’m scared of going out to clubs. Now this is something I rarely admit, because it’s very uncool and it kind of means I think other people think I’m a geek or something. I’m scared of going out to clubs, because I’m afraid of getting denied access to the clubs at the front door. Now I know that that’s ridiculous, considering the fact that I have been out numerous times and I’ve only been denied access to one joint, where I was denied because I was 18 while I had to be 21 to get in.

I ‘m afraid of singing in a small crowed because then I can see the judgement on peoples faces, then it’s so intimate and close that I feel so exposed. I much rather stand on a stage and perform then be in a living room in front of 4 people.

I’m scared of sharing my feelings face to face, because I can’t deal with people possibly judging me, telling me things I know but don’t want to hear, telling me things I know and need to hear, and thinking I’m a complete woos.

I’m a chicken, and I reallllllly need to do something about my self-confidence cause this just doesn’t make any sense at all.

I would love to say that it was just another hello, from just another person.

I would love to say that it was a hello that didn’t mean that much to me

I would love to say that the feeling I had after saying hi to you , walking by you and feeling your hands padding me on my arms was caused by me neglecting to eat enough, not sleeping enough and overall just not feeling all to well

I would love to say that me being ‘short-ish’ of breath and me being very aware of the air going past my mouth, through my windpipe, into my lungs and back again, had nothing to do with the fact that I hadn’t seen you for a while…

No buts…