Test of my social skills , and the balls I claim to have

So today I took the first active step. I’ve tried to put it off for as long as I could, tried to deny I had to do it, and actually sabotaged myself so I couldn’t go any earlier. But in three weeks, it’s going to be time to face the music.

I’ll be off the planet, I’ll be in a world where nobody can reach me, and nobody can’t find me, except racist farm boys maybe.

I’ll be taken out of my comfort zone and go to a place that supposedly in no way could be considered a step up or a horizontal change of scenery. I’ll be doing a step down.

But positive as I always try to be ( I know you can hardly tell from what I’ve written so far), I’m considering this an opportunity to learn how to be alone and outside of my comfort zone, for more than one day. So far I’ve never been away from people I felt good around for more than one evening, I always had somebody there to reassure me. Now there won’t be. I’ll be completely and totally alone…alone without anybody I know. On the other hand, I’ll get to use my people skills and see how far they can get me.

Ambivalent about the situation is what I am, part of me is excited, and the other slightly bigger part is shitting her pants. Force of habit I guess. Not shitting my pants of course, I don’t do that. However I am prone to panicking when I have to step out of my comfort zone, which is why I’m always afraid to try new things.

In three weeks though, I will try something new, I’ll have to, and who knows…maybe I’ll end up liking it. If anything , I at least want to be able to say I tried!

Speaking and Realizing truth

Hearing you saying the words, didn’t do the trick. Because I simply didn’t believe you were serious.
Hearing others utter them, reacting neutrally or laughing at them, didn’t either. It simply made me believe the words even less.

Today though, when I myself pronounced them and I pronounced them like I meant them, it finally hit me.
Speaking out what you and others had already…finally worked.

I had said those words before. But I had said them like I didn’t believe them, like I thought they were untrue, exactly the way I’d heard them, like it wasn’t serious. But to you they were the truth, the one and only undeniable truth, to you it was totally serious.

And today, that hit me. It’s your truth, it’s everybody’s truth, and it is now slowly becoming mine. Who would have thought??

Mending fences

With a couple of words, everything seems ok again…

True there was some alcohol involved, but I’d like to think that that just made me a bit more honest and open to all of it.

It’s like the pressure’s off the kettle, like I’m not a walking time bomb anymore. It feels good, and it feels familiar. And bit by bit, I’m starting to feel like me again.

It’ll be just fine…

Anger in its purest form

Fake smiles, and friendly advice…

Feel my anger-fuelled wrath!!

Lies of omission

and little white ones too

- You don’t tell your dad that he’s being an idiot if you know it’ll come back to bite not only you, but also your other family members, on the ass. (Even though you think he is being an idiot)

- You don’t tell your best friend that you absolutely hate her boyfriend and that you wish he would just crawl into a whole and die or something. (Even though you think he is and you wish he would)

- You don’t tell your wife her ass looks big in that new dress she bought. (You think she looks fat in everything these days, but there’s no point telling her that and risking an entire night sleeping on the coutch)

- You don’t tell your friends that they’re fat, even when they ask you.

- You don’t tell your great-aunt that her hat looks asinine, especially when you’re at her husbands funeral. That would just be uncalled for. (Despite the fact that it’s a really ugly hat and that the fact that your great-uncle died is no reason to dress up so badly)

- You don’t tell your friend who just broke up and who is heartbroken, that her ex was actually the biggest, the kindest and most gorgeous gentlemen you’ve ever encountered in your natural born life. You’d probably go with: “ well, he was a jerk anyway!” (Even though in any other situation you’d do him yourself)

- You don’t tell your very conservative and religious grandma, that you had sex before you got married. You don’t want to give the old fart a heart-attack. (Even though you did...a lot)

- You don’t tell your friends that the child they created is actually a demon child that should be put out of it’s own demonic and ugly misery. (Even though you bought a small hand-gun and left the child alone with it , supposedly unaware of it being loaded)


It does make one wonder who came up with the whole ‘stick-with-the-truth-and-you-can’t-go-wrong-thing’, right?

Bomb

“It’s like a bomb that kept exploding…”
-Carrie Bradshaw-

And it still is…

I don’t need you to be my lover, to be my father, to hold my hand
I don’t need your arms around me

I don’t need the dream of you and me, the stories about the others, your explanations or your puppy dog eyes

But most of all, what I don’t need is your pity

All I need, and all I want from you, is for you to be there
Not as a lover, not as a keeper, but as a friend
I thought you got that by now…

Cold-hearted bastard

During that whole time, I was never worried, I never once found myself startled or frightened.
I assumed you were going to be fine, and considering the odds I never found that strange. But even when the odds changed and things got riskier, I just assumed everything would turn out fine. Which thankfully turned out to be the case.

I couldn’t stand people’s Armageddon approach, expecting the worst and preparing for it, I didn’t get why you were going along with those people. And honestly, I still can’t get myself to look at it that way. People thought I was cold because of it, and in retrospect I thought I was too, but I couldn’t pretend to feel things I didn’t feel. I simply chose then and I still choose now, to be and stay positive.

But the other day, when I tried to wake you and you didn’t respond immediately. When it took me a few nudges and pushes to get you out of your dream world…that was the first time I felt scared. That was the first time I thought: “what if she…”

I remember thinking it and the thought crossing my mind. And as you slowly woke from your seeming comatose state, I smiled. Because you woke up, but also because it showed that I am still human and that I’m in fact not a cold-hearted bastard.

Love you, and'I hope you continue to do well…

So yeah…I did the whole speech thing.
Although it was a better speech on paper, or in my head than it was in reality.
I started with :…uhm, well uhm, you see…
And I finished with the words:…so yeah…that’s sort of it…kinda yeah. So there.

The parts in the middle I hardly remember. It was a big blur of words and sidetracks to not be straight to the point, which in the end I had to be, and which in the end I therefore was.

I’m pretty happy and proud that I actually had the balls to do my degenerate, downscaled and structure lacking speech. It made me feel like an ass but it made me feel good as well.

The biggest reason for me feeling good about it all, was that you let me walk out of there with dignity.

So for that , I thank you.

Eyes Dry

With my eyes dry I cry silently
With pressure amounting on my chest
The air pushed out of my lungs

Consciously I’m over this, consciously I’m done with you
And still, I cry silently

Restless sleep, frantic dreams
Waking with feelings of fear

Screams inside get louder
As breathing becomes harder and my heart gets heavier

I don’t cry, because consciously I just don’t want to
But silently and with eyes dry, I do
With pressure amounting on my chest, and the air pushed out of my lungs, I cry silently for you…

Life lesson for you

Dear ladies and gentleman,

If you get rejected, don’t think it’s because of you, he or she just thinks you’re ugly, and that’s hardly your fault, right? I mean , DNA can be a bitch, Herman can attest to that!

We’re given what we’re given, and we have to make it work. Unless of course you hit the jackpot and get the chance to transplant your face. Or you run in to a blind person.

For a lucky few that might just happen…Probably not though. In that case you can always calm yourself with the idea that there are others like you. People who are just as ugly, and just as “kick-ass-DNA- deprived” as you are. And I guess at least one of them will have to be able to not throw up at the mere sight of you, because well, they’re ugly too, right?

So just relax and enjoy your rejected ass. And if you do decide to just give up the hunt for a soul mate all together, just know that there will always be readers digests and Sudoku puzzles to keep you entertained until the very day you die!!

Peace.

Smiles and Jellybeans

I walk up the stairs and hear an announcement:
“Due to a technical malfunction the intercity to Rotterdam will not be leaving for another half hour, we apologize for the inconvenience.”
I frown and try to find the chocolaty goodness I’ve got stashed away in the deep and dark bottoms of my bag. No luck. I must have lost it running to catch my train, which now Ironically enough isn’t leaving for another half hour.

I frown again and harder this time while I cross my arms. I look around a little, still frowning and scratching my nose, and this little kid catches my eye, or I catch his really.
With one hand holding a bag of jellybeans, and with the other putting a jellybean in his mouth he looks at me. With his eyes wide open he stares while he’s eating his jellybeans. The mere sight of his big, brown, sparkling eyes staring at me the way he is , makes me turn my frown up side down. I smile and in response, so does he.

He looks at his mom who’s been looking at him, as if to ask, is it ok if I approach her, mommy?
Without waiting for an actual response the little fellow hops over to me with a big smile on his face and with eyes that are smiling even more:
“You want a jellybean?? You can have some if you like”, he says in a way only small children can. I squat down and open my hand to receive my jellybeans.
“There you go”, he says. I smile and thank him with a pat on the head. And then he returns to his mommy.

That little brown sparkly eyed kid made me smile and I’ve been smiling ever since…

Speech

I’ve prepared my speech. And honestly, I don’t know if I wrote as yet another strategy to win the battle, or if I wrote it as actual closure, but right now in my head, it’s a closure speech.

It’s a good one, if I can say so myself. Every last detail figured out. Which words I’ll use, when I’ll pause, the points I’ll make and the way my face will seem unaffected and completely at peace each time I make them.

It’s a speech that shows me the way I usually want to be seen: Together, at peace rational and independent. Things I hardly ever am, when put on the spot. That’s why I’ve prepared myself, just in case I ever feel like I need to actually share my brilliant speech with you. To ease your mind and to ease mine.

Get ready, because if I do decide to share it, I’ll blow you away.

Settling…

Don’t settle for less. We often appoint ourselves much less than we deserve, because somehow we’ve decided we don’t deserve much more than that. We choose to settle for being treated badly or just plain wrong, we choose to settle for what meagre freedom we are given, we choose to settle for the people we are surrounded by and we choose to settle for the lives we are pushed into living. We settle for a lot, we settle for too much.

I say, stop settling for less. Start reaching for the stars. So next time you feel like or find yourself settling, just grab your nuts (and if you’re a girl your boobies) and say:

Settle this!!!

That’s when I knew.

I was hoping it’d be you, I was hoping you’d call. And when my phone rang, my heart skipped a beat, and this little tiny rush went through my body…
I was hoping it was you.

*

Judgement

I pretend not to be presumptuous. To be open minded, to consider all sides to each matter.
I pretend not to judge other people for not looking at things in that same way.
I pretend that it’s a well thought through choice to still hang out with people even though some or a lot of their values differ from mine.
I pretend to be some goddamn saint, welcoming in everybody who wants in, and always being there to flip the coin for others, so they can see the other side.

I pretend not to judge, not to label, not to feel superior to others…

But maybe, me feeling sorry for other people who don’t think like me, is presumptuous, judgemental, a sign of my own weakness to make a good choice and stick by it, and proof of how unholy I actually am.

Maybe I do just feel superior to others because I’m what you’d call enlightened?? Sure I come up with quotes the dalai lama would envy, but I’m so aware of it it’s ugly and it takes away the value of the things I say.

I’m not a saint, I don’t know it all, I don’t have all the answers and I DO judge people.

I’m an ordinary person, just like the rest.

Never-ending love and a window to your soul

Every part of you is a mystery to me. Every inch of your body, a riddle I can’t wait to solve, a maze I can’t wait to find my way through.
Intrigued doesn’t describe what I am about you, it only covers a part of it.

Around you I’m never bored, perhaps without visible activity, but never bored. I can sit next to you and not say a word, just studying you and every word you utter. The way your lips and your eyes move when you say them, the way your eyes occasionally sparkle when you talk about certain topics. The way your cheeks slowly move to the rhythm of your mouth and words. And that’s just the beginning.

When somebody asks what I did today and I say I hung out it with you, they ask me if that’s all I did. But they don’t know that hanging out with you means so many things. It takes up all the energy I have, to try to grasp you completely and to not create an image of you that sells you, or any part of you short. There aren’t enough hours in a day to do what your presence makes me do. It’s like, it takes me over, it drenches me in attention and intrigue for you.

* just a little something I wrote a long tome ago

Lessons you can learn from a world renowned anthropologist

- Apparently anthropology has something to do with people? (Who knew)

- Definitions are useless and it is our job as anthropologists to defy existing definitions in order to make sure that nobody has a clue about what it is they’re actually doing, studying or seeing.

- Although we should defy all definitions in order to create complete and ultimate chaos, we should still approach every society and country in the same way and with the same questions and surveys. Because well, diversity is a fairytale they tell little children. But us anthropologists know better!! (Hunh? What? Wait!!...)

- Anthropologists should only do research when there are tipi’s or dirt huts involved. Because if you do anthropological research in a place where there’s electricity and running water and no life threatening diseases , it’s just not the same

- Although the common man might think it strange, child mortality rates can actually be considered humorous or funny by some. Especially by world renowned anthropologists.

- It’s much better to know a little more then jack sh*t about 45 different countries then it is to know a whole lot about one country in particular.


Hmm...enlightening indeed…

It’s moments like these that I usually drop depressing posts, because that’s the drama queen I am.
And then you’d call and we’d hook up, and I’d feel better.

I often miss you, I do. But it’s moments like these when I miss you most. The moments you can kick me in the ass and tell me to get over it, or when you are my shoulder to cry on (in theory off course, because I don’t cry).

Miss you huns…

X.

First day

“Hello everyone ! How are you all doing ?? I sure to god hope you’re all fine :D!!
My name is sunshine, which is exactly what I’ll be vomiting for the next 14 weeks! Isn’t that just great?!?! I know we’re going to have SUCH a GREAT time! It’s a shame it’s only fourteen weeks!!

I look at the women in front of the class as she’s giggling and telling her seemingly hilarious story. I zone out completely, just amazed by her capacity to laugh at every word she herself utters in what seems like Madonna-style-English.
She goes on, laughing and staring intensely at everyone of us waiting for a response. I guess she proposed something, not sure what though.
And then a girl to the left starts introducing herself and explaining why she’s here. Aha introductions.

“Hi! my name is Samantha. I’m a 3rd year politics major at London University. And I’m now following this course because I’m really interested in Migration. And I have been ever since my sister married a guy from Uganda.”
“Ahh, wow that’s awesome, I can’t wait to learn more about that throughout this course! Haha!! It’s great that you have a personal interest in the matter.”
I can only be amazed with this manifestation of love and cheery- and happiness. Her brother-in-law is from Uganda and that’s why she’s here?

Some more people go on to introduce themselves, story’s about mailmen from France, grandfathers who are 1 quarter Indonesian, Persian cats and love for water from Italy come buy.
There are only a few people who actually have decent reasons to be here. Like, I’m interested in what moves people to give up the life and world they know when they decide to move to another country. I’m interested in political motivations of people who migrate. I’m interested in how people who migrate see themselves in their new context, etc.

But off course it makes no difference to miss Sunshine who really can’t stop giggling and laughing and speaking in that ridiculous accent she’s made her own. She’s just really excited about all of it!!

14 weeks…I wonder how long it’ll take before I throw up…

Feel it

I didn’t feel a thing…not until today…
And when I felt it, I felt it good…or bad really
I’m moved now…I feel it, I’m moved the wrong way…

I’m no longer numb, I feel everything…

4 Years

About 4 years ago, people told me that I had to start thinking about what I was going to do with my life. Off course I had thought about what to do with life before that, but still. It didn’t start to matter up until then. And two years later, I still really didn’t have a clue, so I just picked something to entertain myself with in the meantime.

Now two years after that, I find myself doing something that is less then satisfying, hardly entertaining and that’s really only a way for me to not completely stand still and screw up my life. I usually don’t start thinking about whether this is the way for me unless I’m pressured into it. If the situation is so bad, that I can’t deny that I have to think about it. But right now, it’s really not that bad.

I feel pretty good about myself. My self-esteem is probably the highest it’s ever been and academically I’m not doing half bad. But the pointlessness of my existence is beginning to get to me. Me and a friend were talking the other day, and he claimed that the answer to the question of the meaning of life was 42, following the gospel of ‘The hitch hikers guide through the galaxy’. And however satisfying this answer may seem, it’s really not that satisfying.

I always hope to someday find a passion. Something I’m willing to go out on a limb for, something I’m willing to fight for, something that gives meaning to my life and my existence. But I haven’t found it yet. Or maybe I have and I’m just scared to admit it. Because Admitting it would mean that I would have to commit. And to have to commit to something would mean that I could possibly lose something as well and that would just suck.

4 years later, and I’m still in the same place I was back then, still doing the same meaningless things as always, and still just doing jack-sh*t to change it. Only difference is, I’m not as much of a mess as I was back then. So maybe something did change?

Backstabbing

Tell me does it hurt you when I kick you? Cause it hurts me when you stab me in the back.
I’ve put up with your sorry ass for quite some time now. With your talking behind my back, with you badmouthing me.

And it’s a shame really, because you used to be half decent. You actually had potential of becoming a decent human being. And now look at you, trying to make everybody look worse then you. So desperately trying to make yourself look better. Is it integrity you lack, or are you really just that insecure? Tell me, what went wrong?
You used to be fun to be around, you had morals and what not. What happened? Is it because you had a ruff childhood? Did your mom deny you hugs and kisses as a kid?

Honestly I’m dying to know what sorry excuse you came up with in that sick little head of yours to justify your actions. Because I’m sure you have a conscious, at least you used to. But then again, you’ve changed so much so that might have changed too.

And I’m not telling you this, because I hate you, or because I just felt like being harsh to somebody. I’m telling you, because I’m fed up with it. I’m done and I’m not having it anymore. After this, I’m washing my hands of you. I just hope you’ll find a mirror soon enough and realize that you do still have some potential of being half decent.
I just won’t be around to see it happen.

Peace!

I’m usually in this alone, and I’m not right now. So that’s kind of weird and it takes a little getting used too. So bare with me…

Hesitation…

I just need a little push, that’s all…

Spaces

I can only see right in front of me, I can only overlook the space between us, you and I.
Like tunnel vision. And when I think of you, I think of what you might mean to me, of what you might think of me and overall just how much I occupy your mind.

But I sometimes forget, that you can turn around. That even though I only see you and the space between us, you and I , you can always turn around and see others.

There’s more to you then what I can see, and there’s more to you then me.

Off course I can turn around as well, and I do. But when I think of you, I think of the space between us, you and I.

But that doesn’t mean that you do too…

Rain

I love the sun , I do. I love the way it warms me, and the way it gives me a reason to smile.
But I also love the rain. I love seeing it coming down, I love feeling it on my skin, I love tasting it on my lips.

The rain washes a way my cares, it makes me feel alive, it makes me want to dance. It makes me want to love and laugh, it just makes me feel free.

I can honestly say that there are only a few things I find as delightful as dancing in the pouring rain. It makes me feel “earthy”. It makes me feel alive.

I love feeling alive.

Exclamation point !

When I talk about having a good time, I talk about something else then what happened last weekend. Because that was just, AMAZING. It was absolutely fantastic!

Great people, great music, shitty weather, and great spirits!

I had a blast!!

Big Conversations

You bothered? ‘Cause I’m not bothered.
Untrue, I am bothered, big time.
And I know if I address it, discuss it and just talk about it, it would be better. But better for whom? For me, that’s right. But what about people around me? What about them?

I’ve been feeling like scratching out my eyeballs all day, and ok, that’s never a good thing, and ok, that’s usually a sign that I might want to address what’s bothering me. But the reason I’ve been feeling like scratching out my eyeballs isn’t so much because something’s bothering me (Let’s be clear though, something IS indeed bothering me very much). It’s mostly because I don’t feel like I can discuss it. Because of earlier mentioned other people.

I know the right thing to do is to sit them down, and have a conversation with them about this. Or maybe it isn’t and I’m just hormonal and I’ll feel completely different tomorrow, and everything will be right as rain. Or maybe it won’t and I will have to have that big conversation with them. Who knows.. all I know is that I suck at the big conversations, so I’m kind of hoping the whole “everything is right as rain- thing” will work out tomorrow.

Annoyed

I hate it when I get all anxious and annoyed, over something that isn’t going my way and that I wish would go easier. I get really annoyed when I try to make plans with people, and it doesn’t go fluently. When I have to keep calling everybody every five minutes to deliberate.
It makes me want to say, ahh f*ck it, I’m calling it off, I’m not going.
But I have to keep reminding myself, that it’s for a greater good, that in the end, we will all go, and we’ll probably have a great time. All I have to do is put on my party pants.

So I just write a song or two to calm myself down a little bit, and keep in mind the fun I’ll have tomorrow. If I find time, I should iron my party pants, cause I’ll want them to look fabulous tomorrow!

Clichés

When I see you struggling like you sometimes do, I wish I could help you. I know I can’t. I know I can only be here for you by listening to you when you feel like talking, and by occasionally giving you advice.

Still, I sometimes wish I could make breathing easier for you, I wish I could lift the weight off your shoulders. Give you a break.

I don’t pity you, because to me you seem blessed. It’s a shame though that you’re unable to see that sometimes. It’s a shame that you seem to screw with your own mind in such a way that you feel trapped with no escape, paralyzed by responsibility.

I could throw about a hundred and fifty clichés your way, about life and hurdles you have to cross , curveballs you’ll get thrown at you and decisions you’ll have to make. But I know you know them all, so you can do without.

I just wish I could help you more sometimes.

X.

Twofaced children

I could lie and say that I love small children.. but really, I usually feel a little uncomfortable around small children. Why? Because even though they usually have an inherent cuteness about them, they’re also highly unpredictable, especially when they’re tired, or otherwise annoyed.

Children can laugh and have fun the one minute, and do a complete 180 the next. They can seem like complete angels, capable of nothing else then sharing love, laughter and joy. They can hug you, dance with you, and help you do stuff. And everything can seem perfectly fine…just until they reach their limits.

Until for some reason, everything isn’t fine anymore. Until they feel the need to turn their smiles upside down, to wrinkle their foreheads and start screaming and crying. Until they decide that they don’t want to hold your hand anymore, and until they decide to not take another step. So you’re forced to drag their little bodies across a store with them crying and screaming and embarrassing the shit out of you…

So I don’t love all small children…and I sure as f*ck hope that my children won’t be that twofaced, hell I’ll make sure they won’t be. And if they turn out to be that way, I’ll just throw them out!

“Did you forget that you’re alone??”

No I didn’t, how could I…
with you allways reminding me

Today

The weather was great today

I felt stressed and yet great today

I looked great today

And you missed out on so many great days like today…

Wouldn’t that be great ?

I can say I’m in Limbo, and who knows maybe I am.
But the reason I am is really just because I’m scared shitless, scared to go out on a limb, scared to be out there.

I keep remembering this post
Getting chickened out of love
And however much it was a conversation with a friend that made me write that, that particular day, it still was o so very applicable to me, even at that time.

Right now…it might be, but do to me being scared shitless I’m “not sure”.
I really hate this bullshit, I really wish things like this wouldn’t be such big things. That way, it’d be so much easier. If everybody would just be chill and honest about everything, we, I, would never have to be in this position.

Wouldn’t that be great?

If it wouldn’t be such a big thing to get rejected, if people weren’t inherently cruel, if people didn’t think people are inherently cruel, if people’s ego’s wouldn’t be so easily damaged, if people’s hearts weren’t so easily crushed, If the whole love you/like you-thing wouldn’t be such a big issue,

Wouldn’t that be great?

Limbo

Do you enjoy living in Limbo ?? Because I don’t.
I wish I would make up my damn mind already..

Enough of this, twisting and turning, the making of lists full of pro’s and con’s.
Just pick one option, it can’t be both.

I keep mulling things over, again and again, until I completely loose my mind. And that’s not even the worst part, if that was all, that wouldn’t be so bad.
What’s bad is that I keep dumping this shit on people, people who don’t need this shit to be dumped on them.

If I just decide what it is I want I wouldn’t have to mull things over, and I wouldn’t have to dump this stuff on people. If I just decide, it’ll be peaceful in my mind.

Right now, it’s scrambled eggs inside my head, thoughts flying around, lists flying around, ultimate chaos. At least when it comes to this it is…

Damn, don’t you just hate living in Limbo??

Welcome!

From the moment I heard you were here, I’ve been smiling…
The feeling of endorphin rushing through my body with every glimpse of your picture is the source of my smiles.

Your tiny but at the same time big hands, and the way you hold them under your chin, as if you were thinking.
And your head full of little black hairs.
The way you seemed to smile when I held you, while I know you’re way to young to smile on purpose.
It all just seems so perfect.

From the moment I heard you were here, I loved you…
You arrived safe and sound, ten fingers, ten toes and a nose as cute as a button.
I love every part of you.
I loved your mother for giving you life, and your father for making it possible.

To me you’re perfect in every witch way. I can’t wait to see you grow up and to see you become your own person.

So welcome little nephew and enjoy…

X.

Ok scratch that

Ok that’s just not true…
I feel a bit crappy at the moment, because I completely failed a midterm last Friday, because I got semi-rejected while I hadn’t even invested that much, and because I now somehow have to find the motivation to study for another midterm tomorrow. Which I obviously won’t find, leading to me failing yet another midterm. Hurray for vicious cycles!!

So for now, I’m a bit or just completely irrational and cranky. So there!
And if you don’t like it, you can just bite me!

Picture after picture, I see my made up smile
I don’t feel like smiling though…I haven’t for a while…

I close my eyes

So I close my eyes and think of you , because a memory is all you were

I think of you with love
short-lived but good it was
And when I see you smile again
I remember the beauty of it all
Innocent and young like every first love

Another time, another person
Another lifetime maybe
Because I’ve changed and so have you
So then couldn’t be today, see
it wouldn’t be the same

That’s ok, because I’ve got the memory

And so I close my eyes and think of you because a great memory that’s what you are

Sneakers night out…

Fitted jeans, customized All Stars, my newest white tank-top, hoops in my ears, bracelets on, scarf around my neck, and I’m ready to go.
I meet up with my friends and we head towards the city centre. We get some drinks and have some laughs. After that we head to a small club just outside the city centre, where old school hip hop joints from way back when meat our ears and move our feat.
We dance, we laugh and we have fun…
We take colourful pictures and meet new people.
And at the end of the night…we hit the road together, and take our rocking sneakers back home.
A great night!

Pumps night out…

Black dress, fierce pumps, gorgeous hair, lovely handbag. Basically dressed to impress.
The beautiful yet subtle necklace resting in the comfort of my soft cleavage.
I’m ready to go!
I pick up my girlfriends and we head towards the city. We go for drinks at a bar where we innocently flirt with some handsome men on the other side of the bar.
After that we strut to a club where we dance to old school joints and new dance music.
We dance, we laugh, we have fun.
Maybe, just maybe, we’ll exchange a few phone numbers, and it’ll be great.
And when the night is through, we’ll all hit the road together and take our lovely pumps back home.
A great night!

Episodes

I’m having episodes. Episodes the way Ally Mcbeal used to have them.

You know, when something would happen or somebody would say something, and she’d have an episode. In like a split second, or a blink of an eye. She would take it in, and have an image of what she wanted to do, or say in response.

I’m having those kind of episodes again. Like when I think, wow I’d really want to slap you across the face with a big-ass rubber hand, I actually see that happening in my head. Or when I think it would really be funny to squish you like a bug, I see that too. Occasionally I watch my head swelling up out of anger, and other weird stuff. I used to have these kind of episodes when I was younger, probably because I used to watch Ally Mcbeal. But then it went off air, and along with the shows, went my Ally-Mcbeal-episodes.

And even though I know they started showing reruns of the show, I also know they’ve stopped showing them already.

So why these episodes have suddenly shown up again, is a mystery to me. I must say though, they do make my life a hell of a lot funnier.

In time

The way I giggle will become annoying to you

You’ll stop noticing how overprotective I am

You’ll stop finding it cute how I curl up in your arms when I’m tired

You’ll stop noticing the cute way my nose wrinkles when I smile

You’ll stop caring about the fact that when you wake up I always crack open a window so you can breath in fresh morning air

You’ll stop noticing the lovely outfits I wear

My hands will no longer be intriguing to you

And my eyes will no longer be your source of inspiration

In time…You will take me for granted…

Outdated

I'm a Rubens woman in the age of Kate Moss

I’m a musketeer in the age of machine guns

I’m a bunny from the story of Snow-white in the age of the Matrix

I’m a 1958 Chevrolet Impala in the age of Audi’s

I’m outdated, expired, I’m done…

Maybe…

Just maybe

Is it nice to believe in and live through lies?
Is the reality really that hard to swallow??
Apparently…
You seem so eager to throw on a smile, to play pretend, to act like nothing’s up, when you know in reality something is.

I’m amazed every single time bye how good you’ve gotten at pushing stuff away, to the back of your head. How adequate you are at pushing a mute button in your head when certain screams get too loud, or when certain feelings get too raw and real.
What’s also very amazing, to say the least, is how good you are at keeping your heartbeat down and at a steady and controlled pace , while you feel like completely panicking, freaking out and screaming because of all the things you should be doing and now have so little time for. Because God forbid you tell anybody, they’d shun you for it, no doubt.

It’s funny and amazing how you can seem so in control most of the time. It’s funny how you actually feel on top of things sometimes, when you know believing that is just a lie. Just check your timetable for the evidence.

It’s just a thought you know, I mean I’m no Ghandi or Einstein or anything, but maybe it would help to face up to the things that aren’t as right as you’d like them to be. Maybe, just maybe, that would ‘really’ make you feel good. Maybe not pretending is scary, maybe you’ll fall on your ass. But that way at least you know things are real, and not just a vague rip off of what you think things should look like from the outside.

So I’ll ask you once again…
Is it nice to believe in and live through lies?
Is the reality really that hard to swallow??

It’s funny how the smallest things , can make me feel insecure again…

It’s funny how after all this time, little things can still nibble away at the little confidence I’ve built up in some cases. The confidence however so small, of which I thought it was a somewhat permanent thing.

Such a shame indeed…

To all those who wish to listen, but mostly to myself…



Past

I love the saying : “All things happen for a reason.”
Truth is, I don’t really know if that’s the case.

What I do know is, that everything that has happened, couldn’t have happened any other way, for the simple reason that it didn’t.
So there’s really no point in living in a world of alternative outcomes and ‘what-ifs’.
There’s also no point in trying to wonder how valuable things that happened actually were. The same way that there’s no point in trying to undo or belittle the way things made you feel in the past. ‘Cause in retrospect, it’s always easy to judge and to rationalize things.

In the moment those things happened, those things were the undoubted and only possible truth. Those things could have only happened and existed at that moment in time. With you being who you were at that moment and the situation being as it was.

It’s probably best to try to look at things that happened in the past as objectively as possible and try not to look at those things out of our current perspectives in order to judge them. There’s no point. Because today, we’re not the same people, and situations aren’t the same, as we, as they, were back then.
In a perfect world I think we would try to take what we could learn from past situations, and try to create the best possible future.

To only live in a perfect world…

Anti-winter depression therapy

I turn up the heat, put on my most breezy and best summer outfit. Not a black piece of clothing on my body. Just breezy airy colourful summer wear.

I turn on my most recently acquired music, and turn the volume up.

I close my eyes and let my body do the rest.

He didn’t exaggerate the least bit when he said this music would take me to beautiful places.

I’m in a summer paradise.

Speechless fool

The phone rings. I look to see who’s calling. Nobody I know apparently.
I answer: “Hello? Who do I have the pleasure with?”
Caller: “Yo…it’s me.”
Out of all the people I didn’t expect to call me you were definitely in the top five, top three even.
And out of all the people I wouldn’t mind freezing up around you weren’t even in the top 100.
So naturally I did just that, I froze up and sounded like a speechless fool , uttering no more then a few words along the lines of: “ ‘ehm’, ‘ow’, ‘yeah’, ‘really?’ and ‘uhu’.
I actually think those were the only words I used.

Funny how some people can do that to a person who is otherwise reasonable articulate.

Dancing till you drop

It had been too long since I went out, at least like that.

Honestly it’s hard to remember the last time I went out and danced as much as I did yesterday. Admittedly I was tired, and by the end of the night, I was ready to curl up in my bed and fall a sleep. But it was great.

I forgot how good it feels to dance until there’s no energy left in you, or at least almost no energy. I forgot how even though I often use it as an excuse to not go out dancing, going out dancing for me isn’t complete unless I’m already a bit tired from working all week.

It was great…really it was. It was budget clubbing, but the people and the music well made up for it :D.

X.

Ps: Mad props to my friends for dancing on pumps all evening!!

One drink, does NOT get you in…

Neither does staring.

Fed up.

Every time I’m nothing next to excepting the fact that I am the way I am, that I look the way I do, that my butt is a bit bigger then your average, that my stomach is a bit fatter then your average, that I ‘m bigger then a size 4.

I see myself in pictures, I see my self in mirrors, and the beauty of my face that I do see, fades away in the shade of my body.

I’ve stopped wanting to look like my friends, slim and tall, at least most of the time. Nowadays I just wish I’d completely and truly except me for me and not see the way I look as a hurdle in life, in love and in living. I wish I could be completely comfortable with myself the way I am. With all of my curves, and every single part of me. Because I enjoy being fat? No, but because some part of me knows that it shouldn’t be a hurdle, that the way I look isn’t a reason for people not to like me, for people not want to talk to me, to not want to be seen with me and to not love me.

I know all that stands in the way of me being completely comfortable with myself isn’t them and what they might think and what they probably don’t think… it’s me and my insecurities.

It’s this that makes me sad at times, when I see myself in pictures and I’m unable to see myself as the loving funny and liked person I am but only as the girl with the fat ass, or the stomach that’s bigger then that of the girl standing next to her.

I’m so exhausted with myself for using it as an excuse, and for resorting to the “yeah-well- I’m-fat-card” every time something personal doesn’t work out and for seeing only that.

I’m fed up. I wish I could…

‘Noens’

'Noens', that’s what he calls me. Ever since I was a little girl he’d call me Noens.

“Ahh 'Noens', come here”.

The word is only equalled in cuteness bye the way he looks at me when he says it, and undoubtedly bye how he feels when I respond to it.

He loves me, if there’s anything I can’t question it’s that, he loves me. And I love him, I really do. I can’t imagine how things would be if he wasn’t around, and really I don’t want to think about it.

And even though my relationship with him is based on a whole lot of love, I can’t help it but to be extremely annoyed bye him , a lot of times. He’s the one person in this world who can annoy me with the smallest things, things other people wouldn’t annoy me with.
This, even though I know, that those things he does are done completely selfless and only to better my situation. Even though I know that these things he does are done bye no means to hurt or annoy me. I know he does them with good intent and completely unaware of my annoyance.

He’s like a puppy in some ways : always doing things to make you love him more and to keep you close to him. And in that, as in other things, we are a lot a like. That’s probably why we clash, or why I get annoyed so much. Because I see so much of myself in him.
I get annoyed with things he does, that if I think about it I also do and that I might also annoy other people with.

I love him, I do. But the levels of my annoyance with him sometimes make me hate myself. Why do I get so frustrated and irritated with this man, who’s got nothing but love for me and who deserves nothing less in return?

I try, and I keep on trying to get rid of those feelings, to give him nothing but love, and to oppress my desire to sometimes scream at him. Cause he doesn’t deserve it, I mean honestly, he calls me ‘Noens’, how can I get frustrated with or scream at someone who calls me ‘Noens’.



X.

Detox 2

Relapses suck even more…

Detox

With sweaty palms I try to think about anything , anything at all, anything but that. I sit down, I stand up, and walk around the house.
I need distraction, let’s try to read something for school. I sit down, open my book, find the page I’m at and start reading. At first, I’m focused , but after half a page I zone out, reading letters as apposed to actual words with meaning, I’m drifting off into the wanting again.

And that’s how I pass my day, going from wanting it, to fighting it, to overcoming it, to wanting it again…

Detox bites, no matter what drug you used to be on…

Life

Flirting, flaunting and floating around, feeling good, catching rays of sunlight, laughing, dancing, hugging , kissing, sitting, standing, walking, seeing, tasting life.

Experiencing, seeing new things, finding new ways to maintain the way to change things again, to stir up things, to mix it up, to make a change in life.

Flying, reaching, knowing, loving, being sure, being comfortable with every new thing I do every new person I meet, every new thing thrown my way, being comfortable with my life.

Having a ball, taking the good with the bad, learning from old mistakes, changing ways to prevent new ones, to be a better person.

...living to learn how to live life.

Soft Spot ??

When people ask me if I still have a crush on you I say no, but I do still have a ‘soft spot’ for him.

It made me wonder, what exactly is the difference between having a ‘soft spot’ for somebody and having a crush on somebody??

I can’t imagine never having you, but part of me does.

I was completely taken by surprise and overwhelmed with the flow of emotions that came over me today, with the thought.

It scares me, it makes me sad, but it also made me realize that I see you as the gift you are, and that I welcome you with open arms, at any moment, at any time in life.

Would I expect it to be all sunshine and butterflies? Easy? No, definitely not, I think it would be hard and difficult. I think it would take more energy out of me then I could now ever imagine, or that I have ever had to give in my entire life. Of that I’m sure.

Truthfully, I know I have no legit reason to assume that I will never have you, but it’s my biggest fear.

I’ll keep you in my heart and my mind, and pray to whatever it is I should pray to that my fears are completely unjust.



X.

Patience

I blink , I’m waiting..
I sigh , I’m waiting

Waiting patiently, grateful for what I have,

But still waiting patiently for what I seem to want so bad.

Happy with the people and things I have around me,

But still always hoping for those things that haven’t found me.

Wanting what I cannot have and what I’ve never known
The grass is always greener there, the trees just seem more grown

The sun seems more shiny
The water more fresh
The sky’s more bleu
It’s greener there, the grass

I blink, I sigh, I take a deep breath

Patient waiting game out of the window

Maybe nothing in this world that’s worth a damn comes without a fight…

Outer body experience

And cut!

Look at yourself, just look at you huh?!
Walking behind him like the tame dog you are. You look at him as he’s talking to his friends. Don’t you think they see? Don’t you think they can tell? They see the sparkle in your eyes when you try to be semi-nonchalant while talking to him, and talking to them. They can see how hard you’re trying not to show. You do it well, but your eyes, they betray you. The sparkle, it’s that sparkle. It’s the way your eyes show your hope, your desire for you to be something more, more then just this fun girl he knows. It’s your eyes that show that you want him to be yours to hold, to hold you, to love and to have. Your eyes wander off studying him every few minutes, just to look at him, the way he is, and the way you want him.

But your eyes show something more, something besides hope, they show disappointment because you’ve already decided your hope would never be answered. Why would it really? Your fat-ish, harry, short and style-less. And yet, despite all those things, he chooses to do stuff with you. So he might not be completely repulsed by you, right?

Nice try. Even if that was the case, which it of course could be, you can still see his eyes too. You can tell what they are. They’re the eyes of an unassuming person, someone who genuinely appreciates you the way you are and the way the dynamic as it is between you two works. You can see there’s no hope there, no desire, just friendship of some sort.

Now you run along, walking behind him, chatting with him and his friends, studying him as you do, but mind your eyes, and better yet, mind his. There’s nothing there for you. Now run along…

Recap

I’m looking for the right words to write down, because well I always want to write something that relieves me, but that can also entertain a person if they happened to stumble upon these writings. I’ve been feeling like writing for quite some time now, and I have been writing, but somehow it hasn’t been satisfactory enough. Henceforth, I’m giving it another try at the moment. I guess considering it’s the 30th of December, you’d expect me to write about this past year, so I think I will.

This year I’ve accomplished a lot, and it took me a while really. I’ve changed my look on life. Just last august is when I realised, or decided that I don’t have to know where I’m going exactly, even though time is slowly passing bye, the clock is ticking away, and people expect me to know where I’m headed. I’ve come to peace with it, for the larger part that is. I made a conscious choice to not be so negative about things, and not worry so much about trying to keep up relationships with people who aren’t so willing to put in the same effort I’m willing to put in. I’ve learned and accepted that while I can try to be rational for the most part, I can’t always be and that that’s ok. I’ve learned that for now, life is about searching for the balance between things, and hopefully finding that balance at some point. I’ve tried to face my fears of meeting new people, and doing new things. True I didn’t bungee jump, climb a mountain, or strip on a table, but I did things that for me can be seen as steps forward. I‘ve learned that I find it really important to try to be as open-minded about things and people as much as possible, but that even though I feel that is really important, I too have a lot of prejudices and that that’s ok, but that I do have to try to remind myself when I catch myself being judgemental ,to take a step back and look again, and try to think outside my prejudices.

Life is good to me for the most part. And I can’t complain, but I also in no way want to say that my life this year has been one that could come out of a utopian fiction novel, cause of course I also struggled this year. Better yet, considering that my epiphanal moment where I stopped being negative about things and started to be more positive about things, wasn’t until last August or September even, I can say that the bigger part of this year wasn’t all that great. Not because I lost a lot of loved ones, or I fell ill or anything, but because I didn’t feel right, or good in my skin. There were a lot of things bothering me, which looking back probably were just superficial expressions of deeper lying problems, of which the biggest was probably that I had no idea where my life and I were going. To think now that I don’t have to know, gives my mind so much peace. Today I’m only preoccupied with small matters and silly things. Things like, and this is so embarrassing, but things like, why I haven’t been struck by cupids arrows yet. Really just a silly thing to be preoccupied with seeing as I’m as young as I am and I hopefully still have my entire life ahead of me. But I guess it just proves again that people look for other things to worry about when the need for food and water is fulfilled. I was questioning life and the reason for my existence. And when I found an answer that could answer all these questions for now, I went on and found something else to be preoccupied with. Something I’ve been preoccupied with all my life really, but which seems to be more important in moments I don’t have any other substantial things to think about.

This was a good year, especially when it comes to the point of self-analysis. I’m proud of the things I did achieve, and I look forward to more of it. That, and dare I say it, love off course:P

To a happy, healthy, inspiring, life changing, new things experiencing, and love infested 2008!!