Patience

I blink , I’m waiting..
I sigh , I’m waiting

Waiting patiently, grateful for what I have,

But still waiting patiently for what I seem to want so bad.

Happy with the people and things I have around me,

But still always hoping for those things that haven’t found me.

Wanting what I cannot have and what I’ve never known
The grass is always greener there, the trees just seem more grown

The sun seems more shiny
The water more fresh
The sky’s more bleu
It’s greener there, the grass

I blink, I sigh, I take a deep breath

Patient waiting game out of the window

Maybe nothing in this world that’s worth a damn comes without a fight…

Outer body experience

And cut!

Look at yourself, just look at you huh?!
Walking behind him like the tame dog you are. You look at him as he’s talking to his friends. Don’t you think they see? Don’t you think they can tell? They see the sparkle in your eyes when you try to be semi-nonchalant while talking to him, and talking to them. They can see how hard you’re trying not to show. You do it well, but your eyes, they betray you. The sparkle, it’s that sparkle. It’s the way your eyes show your hope, your desire for you to be something more, more then just this fun girl he knows. It’s your eyes that show that you want him to be yours to hold, to hold you, to love and to have. Your eyes wander off studying him every few minutes, just to look at him, the way he is, and the way you want him.

But your eyes show something more, something besides hope, they show disappointment because you’ve already decided your hope would never be answered. Why would it really? Your fat-ish, harry, short and style-less. And yet, despite all those things, he chooses to do stuff with you. So he might not be completely repulsed by you, right?

Nice try. Even if that was the case, which it of course could be, you can still see his eyes too. You can tell what they are. They’re the eyes of an unassuming person, someone who genuinely appreciates you the way you are and the way the dynamic as it is between you two works. You can see there’s no hope there, no desire, just friendship of some sort.

Now you run along, walking behind him, chatting with him and his friends, studying him as you do, but mind your eyes, and better yet, mind his. There’s nothing there for you. Now run along…

Recap

I’m looking for the right words to write down, because well I always want to write something that relieves me, but that can also entertain a person if they happened to stumble upon these writings. I’ve been feeling like writing for quite some time now, and I have been writing, but somehow it hasn’t been satisfactory enough. Henceforth, I’m giving it another try at the moment. I guess considering it’s the 30th of December, you’d expect me to write about this past year, so I think I will.

This year I’ve accomplished a lot, and it took me a while really. I’ve changed my look on life. Just last august is when I realised, or decided that I don’t have to know where I’m going exactly, even though time is slowly passing bye, the clock is ticking away, and people expect me to know where I’m headed. I’ve come to peace with it, for the larger part that is. I made a conscious choice to not be so negative about things, and not worry so much about trying to keep up relationships with people who aren’t so willing to put in the same effort I’m willing to put in. I’ve learned and accepted that while I can try to be rational for the most part, I can’t always be and that that’s ok. I’ve learned that for now, life is about searching for the balance between things, and hopefully finding that balance at some point. I’ve tried to face my fears of meeting new people, and doing new things. True I didn’t bungee jump, climb a mountain, or strip on a table, but I did things that for me can be seen as steps forward. I‘ve learned that I find it really important to try to be as open-minded about things and people as much as possible, but that even though I feel that is really important, I too have a lot of prejudices and that that’s ok, but that I do have to try to remind myself when I catch myself being judgemental ,to take a step back and look again, and try to think outside my prejudices.

Life is good to me for the most part. And I can’t complain, but I also in no way want to say that my life this year has been one that could come out of a utopian fiction novel, cause of course I also struggled this year. Better yet, considering that my epiphanal moment where I stopped being negative about things and started to be more positive about things, wasn’t until last August or September even, I can say that the bigger part of this year wasn’t all that great. Not because I lost a lot of loved ones, or I fell ill or anything, but because I didn’t feel right, or good in my skin. There were a lot of things bothering me, which looking back probably were just superficial expressions of deeper lying problems, of which the biggest was probably that I had no idea where my life and I were going. To think now that I don’t have to know, gives my mind so much peace. Today I’m only preoccupied with small matters and silly things. Things like, and this is so embarrassing, but things like, why I haven’t been struck by cupids arrows yet. Really just a silly thing to be preoccupied with seeing as I’m as young as I am and I hopefully still have my entire life ahead of me. But I guess it just proves again that people look for other things to worry about when the need for food and water is fulfilled. I was questioning life and the reason for my existence. And when I found an answer that could answer all these questions for now, I went on and found something else to be preoccupied with. Something I’ve been preoccupied with all my life really, but which seems to be more important in moments I don’t have any other substantial things to think about.

This was a good year, especially when it comes to the point of self-analysis. I’m proud of the things I did achieve, and I look forward to more of it. That, and dare I say it, love off course:P

To a happy, healthy, inspiring, life changing, new things experiencing, and love infested 2008!!