Detox 2

Relapses suck even more…

Detox

With sweaty palms I try to think about anything , anything at all, anything but that. I sit down, I stand up, and walk around the house.
I need distraction, let’s try to read something for school. I sit down, open my book, find the page I’m at and start reading. At first, I’m focused , but after half a page I zone out, reading letters as apposed to actual words with meaning, I’m drifting off into the wanting again.

And that’s how I pass my day, going from wanting it, to fighting it, to overcoming it, to wanting it again…

Detox bites, no matter what drug you used to be on…

Life

Flirting, flaunting and floating around, feeling good, catching rays of sunlight, laughing, dancing, hugging , kissing, sitting, standing, walking, seeing, tasting life.

Experiencing, seeing new things, finding new ways to maintain the way to change things again, to stir up things, to mix it up, to make a change in life.

Flying, reaching, knowing, loving, being sure, being comfortable with every new thing I do every new person I meet, every new thing thrown my way, being comfortable with my life.

Having a ball, taking the good with the bad, learning from old mistakes, changing ways to prevent new ones, to be a better person.

...living to learn how to live life.

Soft Spot ??

When people ask me if I still have a crush on you I say no, but I do still have a ‘soft spot’ for him.

It made me wonder, what exactly is the difference between having a ‘soft spot’ for somebody and having a crush on somebody??

I can’t imagine never having you, but part of me does.

I was completely taken by surprise and overwhelmed with the flow of emotions that came over me today, with the thought.

It scares me, it makes me sad, but it also made me realize that I see you as the gift you are, and that I welcome you with open arms, at any moment, at any time in life.

Would I expect it to be all sunshine and butterflies? Easy? No, definitely not, I think it would be hard and difficult. I think it would take more energy out of me then I could now ever imagine, or that I have ever had to give in my entire life. Of that I’m sure.

Truthfully, I know I have no legit reason to assume that I will never have you, but it’s my biggest fear.

I’ll keep you in my heart and my mind, and pray to whatever it is I should pray to that my fears are completely unjust.



X.