I turn up the heat, put on my most breezy and best summer outfit. Not a black piece of clothing on my body. Just breezy airy colourful summer wear.
I turn on my most recently acquired music, and turn the volume up.
I close my eyes and let my body do the rest.
He didn’t exaggerate the least bit when he said this music would take me to beautiful places.
I’m in a summer paradise.
The phone rings. I look to see who’s calling. Nobody I know apparently.
I answer: “Hello? Who do I have the pleasure with?”
Caller: “Yo…it’s me.”
Out of all the people I didn’t expect to call me you were definitely in the top five, top three even.
And out of all the people I wouldn’t mind freezing up around you weren’t even in the top 100.
So naturally I did just that, I froze up and sounded like a speechless fool , uttering no more then a few words along the lines of: “ ‘ehm’, ‘ow’, ‘yeah’, ‘really?’ and ‘uhu’.
I actually think those were the only words I used.
Funny how some people can do that to a person who is otherwise reasonable articulate.
It had been too long since I went out, at least like that.
Honestly it’s hard to remember the last time I went out and danced as much as I did yesterday. Admittedly I was tired, and by the end of the night, I was ready to curl up in my bed and fall a sleep. But it was great.
I forgot how good it feels to dance until there’s no energy left in you, or at least almost no energy. I forgot how even though I often use it as an excuse to not go out dancing, going out dancing for me isn’t complete unless I’m already a bit tired from working all week.
It was great…really it was. It was budget clubbing, but the people and the music well made up for it :D.
X.
Ps: Mad props to my friends for dancing on pumps all evening!!
Every time I’m nothing next to excepting the fact that I am the way I am, that I look the way I do, that my butt is a bit bigger then your average, that my stomach is a bit fatter then your average, that I ‘m bigger then a size 4.
I see myself in pictures, I see my self in mirrors, and the beauty of my face that I do see, fades away in the shade of my body.
I’ve stopped wanting to look like my friends, slim and tall, at least most of the time. Nowadays I just wish I’d completely and truly except me for me and not see the way I look as a hurdle in life, in love and in living. I wish I could be completely comfortable with myself the way I am. With all of my curves, and every single part of me. Because I enjoy being fat? No, but because some part of me knows that it shouldn’t be a hurdle, that the way I look isn’t a reason for people not to like me, for people not want to talk to me, to not want to be seen with me and to not love me.
I know all that stands in the way of me being completely comfortable with myself isn’t them and what they might think and what they probably don’t think… it’s me and my insecurities.
It’s this that makes me sad at times, when I see myself in pictures and I’m unable to see myself as the loving funny and liked person I am but only as the girl with the fat ass, or the stomach that’s bigger then that of the girl standing next to her.
I’m so exhausted with myself for using it as an excuse, and for resorting to the “yeah-well- I’m-fat-card” every time something personal doesn’t work out and for seeing only that.
I’m fed up. I wish I could…
'Noens', that’s what he calls me. Ever since I was a little girl he’d call me Noens.
“Ahh 'Noens', come here”.
The word is only equalled in cuteness bye the way he looks at me when he says it, and undoubtedly bye how he feels when I respond to it.
He loves me, if there’s anything I can’t question it’s that, he loves me. And I love him, I really do. I can’t imagine how things would be if he wasn’t around, and really I don’t want to think about it.
And even though my relationship with him is based on a whole lot of love, I can’t help it but to be extremely annoyed bye him , a lot of times. He’s the one person in this world who can annoy me with the smallest things, things other people wouldn’t annoy me with.
This, even though I know, that those things he does are done completely selfless and only to better my situation. Even though I know that these things he does are done bye no means to hurt or annoy me. I know he does them with good intent and completely unaware of my annoyance.
He’s like a puppy in some ways : always doing things to make you love him more and to keep you close to him. And in that, as in other things, we are a lot a like. That’s probably why we clash, or why I get annoyed so much. Because I see so much of myself in him.
I get annoyed with things he does, that if I think about it I also do and that I might also annoy other people with.
I love him, I do. But the levels of my annoyance with him sometimes make me hate myself. Why do I get so frustrated and irritated with this man, who’s got nothing but love for me and who deserves nothing less in return?
I try, and I keep on trying to get rid of those feelings, to give him nothing but love, and to oppress my desire to sometimes scream at him. Cause he doesn’t deserve it, I mean honestly, he calls me ‘Noens’, how can I get frustrated with or scream at someone who calls me ‘Noens’.
X.
