Today

The weather was great today

I felt stressed and yet great today

I looked great today

And you missed out on so many great days like today…

Wouldn’t that be great ?

I can say I’m in Limbo, and who knows maybe I am.
But the reason I am is really just because I’m scared shitless, scared to go out on a limb, scared to be out there.

I keep remembering this post
Getting chickened out of love
And however much it was a conversation with a friend that made me write that, that particular day, it still was o so very applicable to me, even at that time.

Right now…it might be, but do to me being scared shitless I’m “not sure”.
I really hate this bullshit, I really wish things like this wouldn’t be such big things. That way, it’d be so much easier. If everybody would just be chill and honest about everything, we, I, would never have to be in this position.

Wouldn’t that be great?

If it wouldn’t be such a big thing to get rejected, if people weren’t inherently cruel, if people didn’t think people are inherently cruel, if people’s ego’s wouldn’t be so easily damaged, if people’s hearts weren’t so easily crushed, If the whole love you/like you-thing wouldn’t be such a big issue,

Wouldn’t that be great?

Limbo

Do you enjoy living in Limbo ?? Because I don’t.
I wish I would make up my damn mind already..

Enough of this, twisting and turning, the making of lists full of pro’s and con’s.
Just pick one option, it can’t be both.

I keep mulling things over, again and again, until I completely loose my mind. And that’s not even the worst part, if that was all, that wouldn’t be so bad.
What’s bad is that I keep dumping this shit on people, people who don’t need this shit to be dumped on them.

If I just decide what it is I want I wouldn’t have to mull things over, and I wouldn’t have to dump this stuff on people. If I just decide, it’ll be peaceful in my mind.

Right now, it’s scrambled eggs inside my head, thoughts flying around, lists flying around, ultimate chaos. At least when it comes to this it is…

Damn, don’t you just hate living in Limbo??

Welcome!

From the moment I heard you were here, I’ve been smiling…
The feeling of endorphin rushing through my body with every glimpse of your picture is the source of my smiles.

Your tiny but at the same time big hands, and the way you hold them under your chin, as if you were thinking.
And your head full of little black hairs.
The way you seemed to smile when I held you, while I know you’re way to young to smile on purpose.
It all just seems so perfect.

From the moment I heard you were here, I loved you…
You arrived safe and sound, ten fingers, ten toes and a nose as cute as a button.
I love every part of you.
I loved your mother for giving you life, and your father for making it possible.

To me you’re perfect in every witch way. I can’t wait to see you grow up and to see you become your own person.

So welcome little nephew and enjoy…

X.

Ok scratch that

Ok that’s just not true…
I feel a bit crappy at the moment, because I completely failed a midterm last Friday, because I got semi-rejected while I hadn’t even invested that much, and because I now somehow have to find the motivation to study for another midterm tomorrow. Which I obviously won’t find, leading to me failing yet another midterm. Hurray for vicious cycles!!

So for now, I’m a bit or just completely irrational and cranky. So there!
And if you don’t like it, you can just bite me!

Picture after picture, I see my made up smile
I don’t feel like smiling though…I haven’t for a while…

I close my eyes

So I close my eyes and think of you , because a memory is all you were

I think of you with love
short-lived but good it was
And when I see you smile again
I remember the beauty of it all
Innocent and young like every first love

Another time, another person
Another lifetime maybe
Because I’ve changed and so have you
So then couldn’t be today, see
it wouldn’t be the same

That’s ok, because I’ve got the memory

And so I close my eyes and think of you because a great memory that’s what you are