Test of my social skills , and the balls I claim to have

So today I took the first active step. I’ve tried to put it off for as long as I could, tried to deny I had to do it, and actually sabotaged myself so I couldn’t go any earlier. But in three weeks, it’s going to be time to face the music.

I’ll be off the planet, I’ll be in a world where nobody can reach me, and nobody can’t find me, except racist farm boys maybe.

I’ll be taken out of my comfort zone and go to a place that supposedly in no way could be considered a step up or a horizontal change of scenery. I’ll be doing a step down.

But positive as I always try to be ( I know you can hardly tell from what I’ve written so far), I’m considering this an opportunity to learn how to be alone and outside of my comfort zone, for more than one day. So far I’ve never been away from people I felt good around for more than one evening, I always had somebody there to reassure me. Now there won’t be. I’ll be completely and totally alone…alone without anybody I know. On the other hand, I’ll get to use my people skills and see how far they can get me.

Ambivalent about the situation is what I am, part of me is excited, and the other slightly bigger part is shitting her pants. Force of habit I guess. Not shitting my pants of course, I don’t do that. However I am prone to panicking when I have to step out of my comfort zone, which is why I’m always afraid to try new things.

In three weeks though, I will try something new, I’ll have to, and who knows…maybe I’ll end up liking it. If anything , I at least want to be able to say I tried!

Speaking and Realizing truth

Hearing you saying the words, didn’t do the trick. Because I simply didn’t believe you were serious.
Hearing others utter them, reacting neutrally or laughing at them, didn’t either. It simply made me believe the words even less.

Today though, when I myself pronounced them and I pronounced them like I meant them, it finally hit me.
Speaking out what you and others had already…finally worked.

I had said those words before. But I had said them like I didn’t believe them, like I thought they were untrue, exactly the way I’d heard them, like it wasn’t serious. But to you they were the truth, the one and only undeniable truth, to you it was totally serious.

And today, that hit me. It’s your truth, it’s everybody’s truth, and it is now slowly becoming mine. Who would have thought??

Mending fences

With a couple of words, everything seems ok again…

True there was some alcohol involved, but I’d like to think that that just made me a bit more honest and open to all of it.

It’s like the pressure’s off the kettle, like I’m not a walking time bomb anymore. It feels good, and it feels familiar. And bit by bit, I’m starting to feel like me again.

It’ll be just fine…