Positive thinking

This was a good summer.

I didn’t go on vacation, which truth be told, I complained about a lot.
However despite my bitching and moaning I was able to keep some of my ‘be-positive-and-positive-things-will-come-to-you-spirit up. And because of that, I had a great summer.

I went to Scheveningen, the movies, I actually started exercising again, I went to Zeeland, festivals, and I chilled my ass of with friends, hung out tons with my amazing boyfriend and had lovely dinners with my family.

I feel happy, and even though I didn’t notice straight away, I feel relaxed more so than I did before this summer started.

So, hurray for me!!

Bragging

I don’t usually brag about people that much. It’s something I don’t feel is necessary, because they themselves can prove it to others, I don’t have to try to do it for them I’m sure.

But I just really can’t help myself this time so here it goes:

Big blue eyes and Afro-queen are my two bestest friends in the whole wide world!!
And I love them because their kind, generous, easy going and because I feel I can completely be myself around them and that they can do the same around me.

I never feel like I’m fronting when I’m with them, or as if I’m trying to be cuter or more fun than I actually am.

And whenever we don’t have anything to say to each other, we just don’t and we don’t feel the need to fill the silence with unnecessary bullcrap about nothing.

I love them to bits and I’m happy to say that they’ve recently also been hanging out more with each other. What this means for me?? Double the awesomeness every time we hang out!!

Talk about a party…

Lowlands baby!!

I usually don’t do tents. And before this experience I didn’t really know why. Now I do; they’re hot in the morning, freezing in the evening, dirt gets everywhere and so do little bugs.

I hate public showers; I know I’m a prude, but honestly I can’t really deal with 30 women or so, talking to me whilst naked and drying their hair, as if it’s completely normal that they’re naked. It’s not a normal thing to do!! It’s not!!

I hate paying too much for ok-food; Good food I don’t mind over paying for, but if the food is ok-ish it sucks.

I hate public restrooms; They smell, I can’t ever make a twosy on them, and there’s never enough toilet paper for all it’s users.

And despite all these things, I managed to have a kick-ass time at Lowlands this year. All because of great music and the awesome people I was with!!

Honestly, It was amazing!!!

You

Do you move me??

Your smile can make me tingly on the inside and turn my frown upside down

Your soft hands make mine look like midgets’hands but still make them feel so safe

Your deep voice calms me down and makes me able to relax whenever I’m having a small mental breakdown

Your wit cracks me up and surprises me most of the time

Your arms and mere presence make me feel so loved and so happy, that I sometimes actually feel like exploding

What you give me is exceeded by nothing else I’ve ever known

I love you.


So, yes I’m moved by you…

Music…

The old man slapping his hand on his knee to the beat of the music on the bus.

The old lady humming a sweet melody while gardening in the morning sun.

The little hip hop head skater boy beat boxing on his way to the skate park.

The teenage semi alternative boy dancing quietly and inconspicuously to the music his mp3 plays while he’s waiting for the train to come and he thinks nobody’s watching.

The young adult girls dancing to the music of a clothing store when they walk in and feel like the music deserves to be danced to.


Does it move you?

Truth be told

I’d prefer if you didn’t

I’m afraid that if you can do what you’re doing now, it means that other people might think it’s possible too. That others will, because of you, think it’s ok.

Truthfully, in ways I know it’s possible. In your particular situation I’m not sure yet. I do know a part of me is angry at you and not understanding of what you’re going through.
I want to help you through this and I want to be open minded about it, but I can’t get myself to be. Because if you can do what you’re doing to yours, what’s there to stop others from doing that same thing to theirs at some point?

Letting theirs be overwhelmed and caught off guard unaware of what’s going on and of what might end up happening. I love you, but the thought of me being one of those people, one of those people who is subject to theirs, who gets caught off guard by theirs, scares the shit out of me.

That’s why I can’t get myself to understand the in reality fairly common and kind of logical or understandable way you’re feeling.

Part of me gets it, but another, a bigger part, gets sick at the thought, gets sad at the thought and just wishes it to not be an issue for you, for others and in effect, I wish for it to never have to be an issue for me.

Even if I know it is an issue and it can happen to me…but like you said, when it comes to being real, I’d much rather stick my head in the sand and pretend everything’s just fine.

Now if that ain’t the ultimate way to get caught off guard, I don’t know what is.

I'm sorry...

Tick Tock….

The clock is ticking…I know it always has, I know it always will, but somehow I’m now awfully aware of it now.

After seeing the sheer largeness of my family. Seeing people from the ages 7 to 80, making small talk with people I hardly know, to laughing my ass of with people I do know. Probably 80 % of them eventually asked me the same thing: “What are you going to do when you finish school?”

I tried to explain to them that honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. And while I was trying to explain myself using the small French vocabulary I have, I realised it for the first time. I really realized…I really don’t know.

And now back at home, with nothing else to do but think about it, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Thinking about it…
But hardly in a constructive and helpful way. I’m kind of freaking out…

I’d say…not such a good development…

As I drive off I catch a glimpse of myself in the rear-view mirror. I’m smiling, I’m smiling all over and with every inch of my body… I’m so happy, I actually feel like exploding.

I would usually hate my sunshine-vomiting approach to my feelings, but right now I’m just to busy being deliriously happy and vomiting sunshine, in order to give a horses ass.

X.

You ask…and I deliver

I always try to be composed, to be rational and take a step back in order to analyze certain situations. Most of the times this pretty much means letting things slide and not being bothered with them. However, when you do what you did, you’re just asking for it…

Little things like pronouncing my name incorrectly stop annoying me after I’ve corrected it several times. If it doesn’t change, I just don’t hear it anymore. And also in disputes I’m usually the one to dial down the awfulness of what the other has said or done, because I keep in mind that I may not have been the most rational one in the heat of the moment. So usually little arguments resolve themselves rather quickly and easily without too much effort on my part. But when you go all out and pull out all the stops like you did?? Damn girl you’re just asking for it…

Now if you’d ask my closest friends, they’d probably tell you that I let too many things slide, and that I try to be the bigger person by ‘just being rational’ way too much even when it doesn’t really make sense. Even when every other person would loose their cool and go all out, I usually simply take a deep breath, take a step back and say: “Never mind…it’s all good.”

But when you do what you did, you’re really just asking to feel the excruciating pain.
When you intentionally steal and eat my BJ’s while you know that I’ve been on a diet for the last six months. While you know that I’ve been deprived of my two best friends in the whole wide world for half a year and you know the BJ’s was my reward for doing so well…

I say screw being the bigger person: I WILL END YOU!!

Malibu Moments

Was it worth it…

When you find yourself running for the train in the morning and you miss it anyway, you might wonder: Was it really worth it??

We stress sp much about the littlest things in our every day lives, that it’s hard to see what really matters. We get so caught up in running that we forget where we’re running to.

So when you find yourself burned out at the age of 20-something, you might ask yourself: Was it really worth it??

Because we run so much and encourage others to do the same, we’re constantly telling ourselves that we’re not running fast enough, that we should do more, and do it faster.
That if we don’t, we’ll be failures, that if we fail we won’t achieve our goals.

True some of us have already set them, but most of them may have possibly set unrealistic goals for themselves. For example: Is it technically possible to have your own record label at the age of 17? Sure, it’s possible, I know one case in which it was proven to be, however this hardly means that it’s likely to happen. It’s much more likely that you have to take several years working at establishing your own record label. But still people set out a one year plan and hope they’ll be set to swim in music revenues by the time the new fashion season arrives.

The result again being, people being disappointed with themselves, and telling themselves to go faster, do better, to work harder and to not be such a pansy. Meanwhile I’m wondering…Is it really worth it?? Is it really worth destroying your own self-image, your peace of mind and your sate of well-being??

Aside from overambitious goals there are always those who don’t know what they want yet, they just know they want to live a glorious and splendid life. They’re convinced that if they just push themselves and if they just push at it and if they just keep running, it’ll all work out. And maybe it will work out one way or another. But then again, when you find yourself at the age of 46 in a marriage that has RUTT written all over it, with three adolescent children, working at whatever mind numbing job you were able to score and considering a trip to the supermarket to be the highlight of you week, you might wonder…was it all really worth it?

I’m not saying don’t set goals, don’t try to achieve. I’m just saying, take some Malibu moments…take some time to reflect. Take some time to see where you’re going and to look around and choose what you want, to enjoy everything and to experience life and to make your life worth living.

Crazy names and Changing faces

You turn around and look the same and yet so different in every way

You’ve changed your hair you’ve changed your pose, through away what you now call raggy clothes

They once were your home and in them you were you

Now I stair and try to catch a glimpse of who you were, a glimpse of who I knew


The ease with which you used to read me, however effortlessly it was
The little effort needed then, now seems way, way too much


I try and I try and sometimes almost cry and cry

For you were the one that knew me. If you don’t know me now who does?

You told me I could blindly trust you, so can’t you see if you’re gone I’m lost

You claimed you’d be my eyes forever, my ears, and my hands to touch

To discover this world while walking with you, you told me in you I could trust

So I did and I gave, and however blind or mute

I stood beside you full-heartedly, dug through our every dispute

Supported you and your dreams, suffered the consequences of them too

Never once thought that it might one day make me end up loosing you.


The ease with which you used to read me, however effortlessly it was
The little effort needed then, now seems way, way too much


No more words spoken, the ones I used to hear slowly went away,

Silence fell upon me again, that’s how I knew you went your own way

I sometimes almost cry and cry through eyes with which I can no longer see

Can’t see the sky can’t see the stars but most of all I can’t see you and me

And you, even when I do see you, I don’t see you
I see a shell of who you were, the shell of the you I knew

The ease with which you used to read me, however effortlessly it was
The little effort needed then, now seems way, way too much
So you went your way and went away it’s silent now you’ve gone.

Lucky Bastard??

maybe…

I wasn’t in a hell of my own making

I wasn’t at the end of my rope

I didn’t hate the world enough for me to honestly agree with my own sarcasm

I loved my friends and family too much to hate my life

I did too many fun things to say I was bored

I took too many pictures in which I was genuinely smiling to say I wasn’t happy

And sure I settled at times, even though I tried not to. And sure there were times when I could have honestly given a horses but about the rest of the world and I gladly resigned to my room with some bj’s and some SATC episodes. As well as there were times that I felt like kicking people in the face. That’s hardly my fault though. I feel like I have the right, as self-proclaimed prodigy, to blame all of those things on the rest of the world :P.

So the bottom line is this: In essence, I was happy, in every which way I could have possibly imagined.

Little did I know, really know, that there was another way in which I could be happy

And low and behold, I now know that too!!

Do I deserve it? Maybe, maybe not…Am I going to enjoy it for all it’s worth?? Hell yeah!!

Shift of Power

the jello I’ve become…

SO I’m now all mushy mushy… Thought I was in charge…and up to a certain point I might have been. But then again, how objectively can we ever judge our own behavior?? And how eager are we ever to admit to our own weaknesses and lack of power.

In my case, how eager am I ever to admit to myself, that parts of me aren’t rational and that they can’t be expected to be.

In retrospect the fact that I felt the need to write about it and the fact that I had to remind myself to not write about it publicly some more, should have tipped me off… It didn’t though, like so many other things…

I was pretentious enough to think that I couldn’t possibly be fazed, that I was in charge and that where others had put themselves out there I was simply standing on the sidelines calling the shots, calmly smiling and enjoying my power, but never giving away my hand.

This of course came to an abrupt end when I for some reason felt compelled to spill beans I didn’t consciously realize were mine.
I felt like I was hit by a train when I got a response (which was unavoidable) to my attempt to be forward.

And so now…I’m like jello… And honestly, I’ve hardly ever been as not in control in my entire life as I am now…

Love/Hate

How can one love and hate their Phone so much at the same time…

Time

The words: 'I need more time' never sounded like: 'I'm scared shitless' as much as they do now that I've uttered them to you...

Forgive me.

X.

Easy come and easy go...

I’m pretty sure that if I sat back and blamed you for what I went through, the majority of the world population would agree with me that it was in fact your fault.

Luckily, I don’t blame you because well, I was there in full consciousness(most of the time). Sure my judgement was clouded by emotions and feelings and what not, but I’ve chosen to blame myself as much as I blame you.

You were one of the very few people lucky enough to have me open up to them, especially in a very short amount of time. I felt at home with you.

Despite anything we ever might have seemed like or anything we might or might not have been at a certain point in time, one thing was for sure, I trusted you, and felt at home with you, and loved you at least as a very good friend.
You got closer than anybody else would have gotten in such a short amount of time.

Now when I look at pictures of us two, taken not to long ago even, I feel sadness. Not because we’re not what we at one time might or might not have seemed like or might have been , but because now when I look at those pictures, I feel like I’ve lost a friend.

Our friendship, of which I’m sure it was there the entire time, has been reduced to you saying your busy, and making small talk with me at parties. And the swiftness with which you came close to me and became my friend is only exceeded by the swiftness with which you moved away again…

And that hurts, and it sucks, and honestly…I just plain miss you.

Ass face!

Pretentious?

Maybe...

Yes it was you who decided to create bj’s

Yes it was you who knew everybody before they knew themselves

It was also you who figured out that bacteria cause disease and infection

And yes it was you who gave all of us life, light, love and purpose.

You basically came up with everything…

So please, your amazingness …please guide us helpless and unknowing sheep to the wonderful world of you. In which you have the answer to everything, everyone needs to be judged by you and everything is only right if it’s going exactly your way…

Pretentious?? Well, uhm, I don't know...

A new sense of power

the reason men always seem to want more

I’m in charge. I’m in control, I have the power.
There’s no me waiting to see what you’ll do. Because I know I’m in charge, I call the shots.

It’s a new tingly and thrilling sensation like I hardly ever felt before. It’s not a crush or love, I think...or is it? Whatever it is, the power is mine.
The feeling that in a way, I own you. That you wait for me, and not the other way around.
I love the feeling I do. But it scares me immensely.

I know I could crush you, but I really don’t want to, I really don’t.

However this sense of power does feel good…and it’s consuming.

I now understand not the why, but the how it came to be that men with power always seem to want more…