Maybe…

Just maybe

Is it nice to believe in and live through lies?
Is the reality really that hard to swallow??
Apparently…
You seem so eager to throw on a smile, to play pretend, to act like nothing’s up, when you know in reality something is.

I’m amazed every single time bye how good you’ve gotten at pushing stuff away, to the back of your head. How adequate you are at pushing a mute button in your head when certain screams get too loud, or when certain feelings get too raw and real.
What’s also very amazing, to say the least, is how good you are at keeping your heartbeat down and at a steady and controlled pace , while you feel like completely panicking, freaking out and screaming because of all the things you should be doing and now have so little time for. Because God forbid you tell anybody, they’d shun you for it, no doubt.

It’s funny and amazing how you can seem so in control most of the time. It’s funny how you actually feel on top of things sometimes, when you know believing that is just a lie. Just check your timetable for the evidence.

It’s just a thought you know, I mean I’m no Ghandi or Einstein or anything, but maybe it would help to face up to the things that aren’t as right as you’d like them to be. Maybe, just maybe, that would ‘really’ make you feel good. Maybe not pretending is scary, maybe you’ll fall on your ass. But that way at least you know things are real, and not just a vague rip off of what you think things should look like from the outside.

So I’ll ask you once again…
Is it nice to believe in and live through lies?
Is the reality really that hard to swallow??

It’s funny how the smallest things , can make me feel insecure again…

It’s funny how after all this time, little things can still nibble away at the little confidence I’ve built up in some cases. The confidence however so small, of which I thought it was a somewhat permanent thing.

Such a shame indeed…

To all those who wish to listen, but mostly to myself…



Past

I love the saying : “All things happen for a reason.”
Truth is, I don’t really know if that’s the case.

What I do know is, that everything that has happened, couldn’t have happened any other way, for the simple reason that it didn’t.
So there’s really no point in living in a world of alternative outcomes and ‘what-ifs’.
There’s also no point in trying to wonder how valuable things that happened actually were. The same way that there’s no point in trying to undo or belittle the way things made you feel in the past. ‘Cause in retrospect, it’s always easy to judge and to rationalize things.

In the moment those things happened, those things were the undoubted and only possible truth. Those things could have only happened and existed at that moment in time. With you being who you were at that moment and the situation being as it was.

It’s probably best to try to look at things that happened in the past as objectively as possible and try not to look at those things out of our current perspectives in order to judge them. There’s no point. Because today, we’re not the same people, and situations aren’t the same, as we, as they, were back then.
In a perfect world I think we would try to take what we could learn from past situations, and try to create the best possible future.

To only live in a perfect world…