I don’t know…

but I don’t mind

A few days ago, somebody asked me :
“What happened to your crush?”
“What crush?” I responded in an avoiding manner.
I brushed it off, like it was nothing…

And really it’s nothing, but it did make me wonder.
What did happen to my crush? Did it just disappear? Was it still there? What happened?

And I guess it’s rather simple. Seeing as you, just like me, are very strange and not forward, in this matter, I’m kinda expecting you and me to never happen. And that’s not me being negative and insecure about myself because I think you’re worthy of somebody better then me, because I suck. That’s not it, cause I know you don’t think I suck. However, I am realistic. And the reason I’m able to be, is because I’ve kinda let go of all my made up “principles” when it comes to how to have crushes.

“What you say? How to have crushes? You actually had a way of going about having a crush?
What warped person would think up guidelines and ways to act when having a crush? What person would feel like every single crush has to evolve into being in love with somebody, because if it doesn’t it wasn’t a crush in the first place and I’m a slut?”

Yes yes people…I am. I’m such a sick person. But You know what weird thing I did in this case? What I did this time?

It’s kinda really unlike me , who would normally make up guidelines and ways to carry herself when having a crush to know what to do every single time she had to do something or know what to “feel” every time I was supposed to feel something.

This time…I actually.. and hold on to your hat. This time, I just let everything, be what it was. Nothing more nothing less.

Yeah I like you, kinda…but I’m not gonna make it more then I feel it is. Not by creating suspicion in my own head , not by pretending I’m in denial, but secretly knowing I’m “really, madly and deeply in love with you”. None of that crap.

What I’m thinking right now is: I have fun with you (just to ease my brother: I have fun in a completely proper and Christian manner, and I don’t mean like a lot of priests in America), and we’ll see what happens. Maybe/probably nothing will, maybe I misread your seeming interest in me, maybe I didn’t, but until my heart ACTUALLY tells me otherwise , I’ll just let things be what they are…

So, I don’t know exactly what happened to my crush, or what’s going to happen with it, if it’s even still there…but I don’t mind. It’s kinda nice this way…no pressure