Shift of Power

the jello I’ve become…

SO I’m now all mushy mushy… Thought I was in charge…and up to a certain point I might have been. But then again, how objectively can we ever judge our own behavior?? And how eager are we ever to admit to our own weaknesses and lack of power.

In my case, how eager am I ever to admit to myself, that parts of me aren’t rational and that they can’t be expected to be.

In retrospect the fact that I felt the need to write about it and the fact that I had to remind myself to not write about it publicly some more, should have tipped me off… It didn’t though, like so many other things…

I was pretentious enough to think that I couldn’t possibly be fazed, that I was in charge and that where others had put themselves out there I was simply standing on the sidelines calling the shots, calmly smiling and enjoying my power, but never giving away my hand.

This of course came to an abrupt end when I for some reason felt compelled to spill beans I didn’t consciously realize were mine.
I felt like I was hit by a train when I got a response (which was unavoidable) to my attempt to be forward.

And so now…I’m like jello… And honestly, I’ve hardly ever been as not in control in my entire life as I am now…